4.11.2005

I walked to Starbucks, walked because my car broke down. When it rains it really pours on me. Anyways, on the way there I remembered Jana works there. I wanted to see her. I want to talk to her. As I walked I had a hundred different conversations with her in my head. I hurt her. Bad. For no reason other than because I could. She was there, she made me a chai, but I chickened out. Maybe tomorrow. I just want to ask her about me. Before things went to hell she knew who I was. Maybe she can give me some insight into why I keep fucking things up.

Thinking about Jana made me think about Nicole. Our last night together sticks out in my mind. We were at Bill's apartment. Bill was a 50 year old gay man who used to invite teens over to drink, yeah, weird but it was free alcohol. We were standing on the balcony. We'd been talking about little things, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes, "Do you want to be with Michelle or me? Pick."

I chose Michelle, why I don't know. Nicole laid in my arms the rest of night, crying. In the morning she gave me kiss, looked at me and said, "We could of been great together." and walked out of my life. Why did I choose Michelle. She wasn't smarter, or prettier, nothing about Michelle made her the logical choice. But I thought I was in love. That's probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. We could have been great together.

And speaking of the ever present Michelle. I was moving to Las Vegas, city of sin, the big city for a country boy like me. 2 months before I left Wyoming I asked Michelle out. We should of known it wouldn't work. I was 19, she was 16. Our first real relationship. My first love, my first betrayal, my first broken heart.

I read the following before I met Michelle. It's from a book called The Mars Venus Affair. Horoscopes based on Mars and Venus which have an effect on your love life. My sun sign is Pisces and so are my Mars and Venus. I'm a total Pisces. A dreamer.

You are in pursuit of a dream, and by no means is it a peaceful dream. You fantasize about extraordinary passions, extreme emotions, and romantic insanity. The search for this dream often makes you agitated and restless. You blow through people's lives like a hurricane, leaving a path of shattered hearts and broken promises. You long for stability and commitment, but only the relationship of your dreams will satisfy you. All other relationships are expendable.
If you are lucky enough to find your dream early in life, then you have a wonderful capacity for living happily ever after. If you don't, then the situation can get out of control. Physical sex is always less important to you than emotional security, but your emotional needs are so intense that you often don't take time to notice the difference. Any kind of emotional release--even the most casual or callous--can sustain you for awhile. When your dream seems distant and unattainable, you are all to willing to settle for these short-term fixes.


I wonder if this became a self fulfilling prophecy. It seems right on with my life up to now. I wonder if I can break the cycle or if I'll ever find my dream.

I think I'm past the shock and denial stage. I sat in front of Starbucks and thought about all this, and it helped lift the weight on my chest. Kelly isn't the first, probably won't be the last. But I wish she had been.

So like the fish, it's time for me to swim on, to better waters.


1 comment:

Kelly said...

I have never done this before so I it came out coldhearted.