Fuck I was angry on my way home tonight but it's not worth it. You can only help someone and try to be their friend for so long before you have to face the facts and come to the realization that they don't want you in their life. Or her boyfriend doesn't want me in her life, either way, it amounts to the same thing. Consider it done Aubree, this will be the last post to mention you, I won't contact you again, or reply to any messages from you. I don't care if he feels so insecure with himself that he can't let you have me as a friend but you should know better. I'm not just going to step back and wait until the relationship falls apart, which it will, mark my words, so that you can come back and ask me to be your friend again once it's convenient. You're either my friend or you're not and you seem to have chosen the latter. Good-bye and good luck.


You don't wanna be alone
You don't want to see the sun go down
You don't wanna open the door and see her go
One step and tomorrow comes
Two steps and she's off with someone
Three steps and it's all you know
You'll be gone, she'll be gone
Hannah Jane - Hootie and the Blowfish

So life is different these days. I don't remember the last thing I posted about, so I'll start over.

I'm on a Hootie kick at the moment; I'll be at the Silverton Hotel and Casino on New Year's to watch them. It beats being down on the strip, cold and drunk. I didn't buy the tickets so I'm not sure if they include the meet and greet but that would be awesome.

So things have changed. I'm not with Aubree anymore, in fact, she's on her way to marriage. Kelly's chillin' in KC with one maybe two. Michelle has baby number two on the way. Dated Daisy for a minute, just didn't see it working out. Hanging with my supervisor a lot, I don't know what's going to happen with that, a big train wreck might be in store for me. I seem to build chaos into my life, I can't just enjoy it, I have to make it interesting and exciting. If I get bored I move on. On that note, my life has been pretty interesting lately, I saw Uncle Kracker and Kid Rock, Aerosmith and Mötley Crüe, visited Griffith Park and Disneyland, learned to enjoy a glass of wine, shopped at expensive stores, and just enjoyed myself.

What is love
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
no more
What is Love - Haddaway

What is love? I don't know. I guess it's the feeling I've had for a few women in my life. But what that feeling is exactly, I don't know. It's not the same for all of them, it's a different feeling for each of them. Not really comparable. The way I felt for my first, Michelle, is not like the feeling I had for my last, Aubree. It's not that I "loved" one more than the other, it's like they're on two different scales. I can say I "loved" them both but I can't really compare that "love" to each other. And I still feel that for them. Even though I'm not with them anymore, I still feel the same about them. I still love Kelly today the same as I did the day it ended. And that feeling doesn't affect the feeling I have for Nicole. I don't know, is that love? At the same time I don't understand their feelings. I don't understand how Michelle said she loved me but now is married to someone else, how Kelly lives with another man, and how Aubree is thinking of marriage. I can't wrap my brain around it. It hurts. The same way it hurt Kelly that Michelle was always in my mind. To me it wasn't a competition between them but in her mind I think it was. And now I'm sure she doesn't think it's a competition between him and me but to me it kind of is. I don't expect to get back with any of them. But I can't handle my memory losing it's place to someone else. I can't handle being forgotten. Huh. Wow, I've never actually thought that before, but it's true. I haven't forgotten them, and I don't want them to forget me. I still think about each and everyone of them. About what could have been and what should have been and what was. Do they think about me like that? Do they long for the past like I do? Why am I stuck in the past, I can't move on, can they?

I just polished of a bottle of white wine, not bad, I got a good buzz. I gotta work in a few hours, so I guess I should head off.

Livin' my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her
Picture - Kid Rock / Sheryl Crow