Eight Legged Freaks

Woke up, got up, near eleven o'clock
butt naked except I was wearing my socks
and that's cool, 'cause most the time this floor is cold
stand up and stretch look around this mess
my place has been a cage since she left me
make my way to the kitchen, start the coffee
then dip to the bathroom, begin the triple-s
and wash the previous evening off me
now out the shower, get dry, shove a q-tip in my ear
well, what do we have here?
it appears as if a piece of me has got motivation
ain't nothin' wrong with a little morning masturbation
-Atmosphere - Like Today

After all that, I walked back into my bedroom and grabbed some pants off the floor. They were clean, I just moved into the house and haven't put stuff into my closet yet. Anyways, I start to put them on, just like everyone else, one leg at a time, when I see this fucking huge ass spider fall out. I kicked those pants off like they were on fire. Ugly, the spider (yes I named it), takes off towards my bed. I'm hopping around in my underwear, goosebumps all over. Ugly pauses right under my bed. I grab a shoe, Adidas, size 12, old school spider stomping gear. I calm down now that I'm armed. I creep forward, Ugly skitters under my bed out of sight. I drop down and see him over near the wall so I pull my bed out. There's Ugly, up against the baseboard, skurrd. Mighty Adidas whistles through the air and splats down upon Ugly. "Ya bitch," I say. I lift the shoe and Ugly moves towards me. "What the fuck!" Splat! Splat! Splat! Finally the little motherfucker stopped moving, or so I thought. I scooped him up into a basket and showed my roommate. Then I went to check my email and he took Ugly outside and it turns out the bastard was still alive up to that point. 240lbs of Tim ended Ugly's life for good. He was a strong little fucker, and for that I salute you, Ugly The Spider.