1.06.2007

1.01.2007

A new year; a new beginning. The hope is to muster enough motivation to do something. What exactly, I don't know, but something. I know, I always talk about the same thing, but it's time. I've spent to much time looking into the past and wasting the future. The past is gone, I need to accept that; I need to look ahead and decide what it is I want.

The pressure is building I want to break away
Motivation is lacking the point starts to fade
I look to the bottom still empty still the same
I'm waiting for something to show me the way
To the path that I should take, it's just too real to go ahead and fake
Every step that I make
Name your price I would give anything
I want to start over again
What do I want I have nothing to say
Whatever it is I want it today
Do we choose our own ground Do we choose to stay
Well I've seen too many throw it away

Do I see just one small chance to be myself to try and make it last
Every step that I take

Trapt - New Beginning

12.30.2006

Fuck I was angry on my way home tonight but it's not worth it. You can only help someone and try to be their friend for so long before you have to face the facts and come to the realization that they don't want you in their life. Or her boyfriend doesn't want me in her life, either way, it amounts to the same thing. Consider it done Aubree, this will be the last post to mention you, I won't contact you again, or reply to any messages from you. I don't care if he feels so insecure with himself that he can't let you have me as a friend but you should know better. I'm not just going to step back and wait until the relationship falls apart, which it will, mark my words, so that you can come back and ask me to be your friend again once it's convenient. You're either my friend or you're not and you seem to have chosen the latter. Good-bye and good luck.

12.26.2006

You don't wanna be alone
You don't want to see the sun go down
You don't wanna open the door and see her go
One step and tomorrow comes
Two steps and she's off with someone
Three steps and it's all you know
You'll be gone, she'll be gone
Hannah Jane - Hootie and the Blowfish


So life is different these days. I don't remember the last thing I posted about, so I'll start over.

I'm on a Hootie kick at the moment; I'll be at the Silverton Hotel and Casino on New Year's to watch them. It beats being down on the strip, cold and drunk. I didn't buy the tickets so I'm not sure if they include the meet and greet but that would be awesome.


So things have changed. I'm not with Aubree anymore, in fact, she's on her way to marriage. Kelly's chillin' in KC with one maybe two. Michelle has baby number two on the way. Dated Daisy for a minute, just didn't see it working out. Hanging with my supervisor a lot, I don't know what's going to happen with that, a big train wreck might be in store for me. I seem to build chaos into my life, I can't just enjoy it, I have to make it interesting and exciting. If I get bored I move on. On that note, my life has been pretty interesting lately, I saw Uncle Kracker and Kid Rock, Aerosmith and Mötley Crüe, visited Griffith Park and Disneyland, learned to enjoy a glass of wine, shopped at expensive stores, and just enjoyed myself.


What is love
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
no more
What is Love - Haddaway


What is love? I don't know. I guess it's the feeling I've had for a few women in my life. But what that feeling is exactly, I don't know. It's not the same for all of them, it's a different feeling for each of them. Not really comparable. The way I felt for my first, Michelle, is not like the feeling I had for my last, Aubree. It's not that I "loved" one more than the other, it's like they're on two different scales. I can say I "loved" them both but I can't really compare that "love" to each other. And I still feel that for them. Even though I'm not with them anymore, I still feel the same about them. I still love Kelly today the same as I did the day it ended. And that feeling doesn't affect the feeling I have for Nicole. I don't know, is that love? At the same time I don't understand their feelings. I don't understand how Michelle said she loved me but now is married to someone else, how Kelly lives with another man, and how Aubree is thinking of marriage. I can't wrap my brain around it. It hurts. The same way it hurt Kelly that Michelle was always in my mind. To me it wasn't a competition between them but in her mind I think it was. And now I'm sure she doesn't think it's a competition between him and me but to me it kind of is. I don't expect to get back with any of them. But I can't handle my memory losing it's place to someone else. I can't handle being forgotten. Huh. Wow, I've never actually thought that before, but it's true. I haven't forgotten them, and I don't want them to forget me. I still think about each and everyone of them. About what could have been and what should have been and what was. Do they think about me like that? Do they long for the past like I do? Why am I stuck in the past, I can't move on, can they?

I just polished of a bottle of white wine, not bad, I got a good buzz. I gotta work in a few hours, so I guess I should head off.

Livin' my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her
Picture - Kid Rock / Sheryl Crow

6.20.2006

I called Kelly today, returning an earlier call from her, and I of course got her voicemail. I left a message, nothing fancy, just the normal hello, it's me, call me, bye shtick everyone uses when leaving voicemails. About 15 minutes later she calls me back and asks why I'm so happy. I guess the last time we talked I sounded all depressed but this time I left a very cheerful voicemail. Now that I think about it, I was in a good mood at the time, a great mood in fact. It's not just one factor that led to my cheerfulness but probably a lot of little things.

I think the biggest thing is that Peanut, my Chihuahua, is gone. Now that by itself is terrible, I love him so much and miss him, but it means that Aubree is really gone now. Sure, she still has some stuff in her room but Peanut was the last thing of any importance and now he's gone. I felt really shitty before, because I didn't know how I was going to handle being alone. Well now I am alone, she's gone and not coming back, so the deed is done and I'm still alive. Since I survived, part of me is feeling happier. As long as I don't sit and think about her I'm fine. At work I laugh and flirt and play. I even do a little work here and there, and I enjoy the day. So things are looking up, and thank you Kelly for pointing that out to me.

Kelly also brought up the idea I've had for a few years of moving to Cancun to work and party for a season. She says she's interested again so I'm going to do a little more research on it, to see what kind of paperwork we would need to work there, where to live, etc. It would be amazing to spend months in Paradise. On the beach during the day and working in a club at night, going into the jungle on the weekends, or fishing out at sea. I can't wait, I hope it comes through, and right now I can't think of anyone I would like to have there more than Kelly. Kansas City has changed her, and our relationship, and contrary to earlier beliefs I now think its been for the best. So we'll see what happens.

Well, that's it for tonight. I need to start going to bed earlier. Waking up at 5:30am for the last 4 months hasn't gotten any easier.

6.17.2006

Well, I just found out I have a bench warrant out for my arrest. I guess that's kind of cool in away. See I got a ticket sometime last year for reckless driving and my lawyer had it reduced and I'm supposed to be paying what was left on a monthly basis. But I forgot to make the last two payments. Totally didn't even think about them until today. I'm hoping that all I have to do is pay the rest off and that the fine doesn't go back to it's original sum of $1150. We'll see. I won't be able to pay it off until next check, so I'm hoping I don't get pulled over between now and then.

Other than that I had a great dinner with Marcela from work. We went to some Italian joint called Bucca de Peppo or something like that. They serve in family portions only so we shared some fresh mozzerala and tomato appetizer and then some excellent shrimp scampi. Then we went to the movies and saw Break Up which was very fitting seeing what I'm going through. That movie really opened up my eyes to some of the things I do that cause friction with people. But like in the movie, even though you realize what the problem is, you can get to the point where it's to late to fix it, even if you want to. So moving on is really the only way. I just hope I never have a scene like the last one in the movie. They run into each other a year or so later. They say the expected formalities, and greetings, and then they part. As they both walk away they turn and look at each other and smile. That would just be akward. I guess that's why I like to remain friends with them. To meet someone you loved and lived with and who was a huge part of your life and now they no longer are, they're just some person you know and have an obligation to say hi to. That's not what I want.

Well it's off to sleep.

Peace

6.16.2006

Just got back from the store. I spent a little over $10 on the essentials. Water, beer, and orange juice. Tap water in Vegas is disgusting and doesn't quench your thirst, thus I am forced to buy drinking water. I really only buy the water for my dogs, because they really enjoy it compared to tap water. Beer and oj are self explanatory. Water through out the day as I get thirsty, beer at night to help me sleep and oj in the morning to help wake me up. Now that is a diet. I get a free meal at work but lately I just haven't been to hungry. Maybe a bagel, a piece of chicken, or just a bag of chips and I'm full. I'm running with my dogs as well, about 2 miles, so I expect the weight to drop.

Anyways, I'm going to go watch world cup replays, drink beer, and mope.
I hate feeling shitty, yet knowing at the same time that I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel this way, at least no logical reason. She's gone, because I wanted her gone. So I should be happy, correct? I should be over-joyed that I'm out of a bad relationship, but I'm not. Was it a bad relationship? If so, why was it bad? Was she to blame or am I at fault? Am I a failure because I couldn't make it work? Or am I a victim because she sabotaged the relationship? Do I love her still? Did I love her? Did she love me? Does she still love me?

I miss her, that's why I feel like this. I miss her. I don't miss the fighting or the irritations or the other problems we always seemed to find, but I miss her. For who she was and how she made me feel when I was around her. But I guess that feeling wasn't enough. I broke up with her, I have to remember that. I always thought it was easier break up with than to be broken up with. But it's not, it's the same. Exactly the same.

I'm friends with my other exes, at least I like to think I am, but truly I don't know. When was the last time I spoke with Michelle? So long ago I can't recall. Actually, I got an email from her on Myspace a couple months ago, does that count? How about Kelly? We talk, every couple weeks. I saw her a few months ago, January or February. How close are we really? Now the question is how close will I remain with Aubree? Not very. That's the impression I get from her. Oh we talked a few times about hanging out, having a TV night once a week, going swimming, things like that, but it seems more like we're pretending. Like we want to remain friends because it's the thing to do, not what we really want. She easily blows me off to hang out with her new boyfriend, no second thoughts to my feelings. I feel like I've been trying to buy her friendship, paying her bills, giving her gas money. It's sad that I feel that way, but it's more sad that she doesn't even notice.

I felt angry last night, more than I have ever been. I felt lied to and used. I gathered up some of her things that she'd left here. I'd been out of town and she was watching our dogs, but when I got home she wasn't here and the dogs were hyper from no exercise, they had no food and barely any water. She was at her boyfriends. We argued on the phone and ended badly. Today I told her that since she doesn't seem to want me in her life that I would leave her alone. She said ok. I guess that answers the question of how close we'll be.

I guess she'll remember me as an asshole, like her other exes. I don't know why that thought bothers me so much but it does. I hate feeling like I'm such a bad person that someone who said she loved me can then hate me. I shouldn't care, but I do. I should move on and get on with my life but I don't know how.

A girl at work told me that if I don't know myself how do I expect someone else to know me. I don't even know where to begin looking for myself. I need to do the searching alone, and that's probably the hardest thing. So enough with playing the jealous ex-boyfriend part, and since I'm not allowed to play the best friend bit, I guess I'll play the 'some guy I used to know' part.

Good luck with everything Aubree, I hope you're happy with your new boyfriend, I hope you found what it was you were looking for. I'll probably see you a couple more times, as you pick up the rest of your things, but after that it will be goodbye. Maybe you'll see me years from now and wonder what my name is, and you might even ask me if we know each other, and I'll be sure to say no, that we've never met. And I'll turn and walk away and let you get back to you happy life. And by doing that I'll be fulfilling my promise of leaving you alone.

3.18.2006

I need to get these bad ass movies. Nothing like naked Japanese girls with swords.



Their website is here

3.15.2006

I've told every girl I've been with the following and they all go forward with the relationship and they all get hurt. I have never meant to hurt any of them but it happens none the less. I don't know what to do anymore. Happiness just seems unattainable to me.

My self-fullfilling prophecy:

You are in pursuit of a dream, and by no means is it a peaceful dream. You fantasize about extraordinary passions, extreme emotions, and romantic insanity. The search for this dream often makes you agitated and restless. You blow through people's lives like a hurricane, leaving a path of shattered hearts and broken promises. You long for stability and commitment, but only the relationship of your dreams will satisfy you. All other relationships are expendable.
If you are lucky enough to find your dream early in life, then you have a wonderful capacity for living happily ever after. If you don't, then the situation can get out of control. Physical sex is always less important to you than emotional security, but your emotional needs are so intense that you often don't take time to notice the difference. Any kind of emotional release--even the most casual or callous--can sustain you for awhile. When your dream seems distant and unattainable, you are all to willing to settle for these short-term fixes.

3.05.2006

I love strippers. I adore them. Something about them deserves to be worshiped and it's not their great tits and beautiful butts. Those are great and wonderful and amazing and so on and so forth, but that's not really what makes me fall for them. There's one thing that strippers give me that no girlfriend ever has, that no one night stand ever has. They give me soul piercing looks of desire. They want and need me right now. The way they look at me, that one thing is heaven. I can almost fall in love from that one look. I know that every guy in the room gets the same look and that all they really want is my dollar bill but I don't care. All they do is tease. They let you look but not touch. There's no sex in the champagne room, I know that. As long as they give me that look I let everything else slide. One look like that and a girl has me in the palm of her hand to do with as she wishes. I want to know why regular girls don't give those kind of looks? I've gotten 'I love you' and 'I need you' and 'I want you' but never one of those looks. Why? I want that look and I want it everyday. I don't want a stripper, I just want that look, so where do I find it? Is it even out there? I need it.