my dad says ur not strong in the church cuz u cant commit and how u gonna have faith and trust in me when u cant have proof i not cheating

I received this text message yesterday from Cheetah. Her father is a bishop in the LDS church, which happens to be the church I attended as a child. Since then I've totally rejected it and all religion on the basis that they're all hypocrites. I do like religion though as a subject matter and it's fun to argue about it. So I asked her pops a few questions, you know, the kind that can't really be answered. And I got the answers I expected. You have to have faith. To which I say, sorry but that's not good enough, I need proof.

Then he hits me with that text message. Not really on the same level is it? I don't know which one is easier, believing in an all powerful God who created us in his image, or that my girl won't cheat on me? Just gave me something to think about. Ponder, if you will.


I'm supposed to be in bed right now, catching up on all the sleep I've missed this last week. Saturday, today in other words, is my last day of vacation. It's been a hell of a week. Hell of a month, and if we're going back that far, it's been a hell of a year. I was thrown from paradise, and banished into hell, but I'm fighting my way back and doing a fine job of it, too. I wish I could go back to the way it was, but that way has closed, a new frontier lies ahead and it's up to me to boldly go. (damn that's cheesy)

So I have a girlfriend now. I enjoy hanging out with her and being with her. I hope that I'm not just using her as a rebound girl, she deserves more than that. She may not fill the hole that was left but I don't expect her to. She makes me happy, helps me forget the emptiness, what more can I ask for?

I have my new car, which is great and I love it. I have money in my pocket, which I also love. I have a $100 bottle of Patron Silver Tequila in the freezer, ice cold is how we do it. I have a civil, if not friendly relationship with Kelly. Life is looking up. It may not be paradise, but it sure isn't hell. (even though it feels like it outside, fuck it's hot)

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Now that, is a bottle of tequila!!!!


So the idea of going to Iraq to work came up. $70 to $90 thousand for a year. Is it worth it?

Maybe, just maybe...


Nordkraft. Check out the trailer, it looks fucking good, even if it's not in English. Hopefully I'll find a dvd of it once it's out.


Thanks for your comments on the previous post. I've hidden them since they got a little too personal and off topic. I will continue to post because she hasn't really told me to stop and because it's therapeutic.

Back by popular demand, the next installment in The New Adventures of Freon: Freon Goes on Safari!

So I met my next door neighbor a couple nights ago. Very interesting to say the least. Hot Hispanic girl, single, and has one little girl (who happens to have the same name as me, anyways). I guess I'll call her Tigress, because Cheetah's are not scared of much except for the larger cats, and I think Cheetah was scared. As soon as Tigress stepped into the room, both Cheetah and her friend stepped the fuck back. They backed into their corner and just watched from there. Tigress looked around, like a Queen surveying her newly conquered land, and said to me, "That's, the competition?" (big pause after that's). Tigress knows what she wants, and from looks of things, she gets what she wants.

Earlier we went to a bar to meet some of my friends. Cheetah didn't even talk to me, and barely acknowledged me. So that pissed me off. She'd said that in public she couldn't show affection but I wasn't asking for affection, just attention. I was invisible. So I was mad. When we got home, we were sitting in front of my house drinking in the back of the truck when Tigress came home. She introduced herself to us, and called me an asshole for not coming over to say hi to her a few days earlier. She then invited us over to her house, so the guys went over, the girls said we'll be over in a minute and never did come over. We talked with Tigress for a bit then walked over to my house to get more drinks. That's when she said the competition statement.

Now Cheetah was ignoring me even more. She felt threatened by Tigress and probably had reason to be. We sat outside together and talked. Cheetah sat on the other side of the backyard and talked shit to Tech about me. And then Tigress starts talking about how much she likes me and wants to get to know me better. We go inside and sit on the couch and then we end up making out. She does a hot little lap dance for me, with Tim watching. I felt bad that Cheetah could see this through the kitchen door, but I felt it was well deserved.

Later I walked Tigress to her house and said goodnight. Then I sat in my truck bed alone for a bit, thinking about things. I ended up texting Cheetah and she came out to talk to me. We had a good conversation. In the end we decided we would try a relationship. Probably not the best way to start a relationship, and having a girl next door won't make it any easier, but that's life.

On another note, my roommate had his nipples pierced last night with safety pins disinfected in Bacardi 151. Cheetah did the honors. It looked painful as fuck. He already took one out because it was crooked. Anyone want to bet on how long it takes to get infected?

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So, we're having another party this weekend, I just found out yesterday. My roommate found out about the same time, that's how plugged in we are. I guess Cheetah talked to us about it a few days prior but neither one of us remembered. So yeah, party at my house Saturday.

So Cheetah and I've been seeing each other a bit. She's stayed over a few times. Usually we just talk and go to sleep but we've had sex as well. So I guess she's not a lesbian. At first I got way caught up in it, I wanted her to be my girlfriend or something serious. I was annoyed she didn't want to show interest in me in public. So we talked about it and I agreed with her, we don't know each other yet. Drunk sex does not equal a relationship. So I've stepped back and what ever happens happens. Which brings me to my new conundrum.

I've always noticed that you can be without a girl for any period of time. You spend this time wishing you had a girl. Then, as soon as you do find a girl who shows interest and you hit it off with her, another girl steps into the picture. You go from zero girls to too many girls. Now I'm just going off of Tim's word on this, but I have no reason to doubt him. Another girl at work is showing interest. We'll go ahead and call her Snow Fox, yeah that's a good one.

The problem is Tim invited Snow Fox to the party, and Cheetah is throwing the party. Now Snow Fox might not even show, or she may not really be that interested, but if she does, how do I play it. Return any interest she shows me or ignore her. I know Cheetah won't be showing interest in me, at least not until the after party when we're alone, but if I show interest in Snow Fox there may not be an after party.

I don't think I've ever gotten with a girl that another girl didn't pop into the picture right away. I actually think I enjoy this problem way to much. Oh well, I'll adapt to whatever happens.


What's up with me calling people when I'm drunk? I really fucked up, let Cheetah see a side of me I wasn't ready to share. So now, she says she's just a rebound girl. That's not what I wanted her to be, but in reality, I guess she is. I guess we'll see where it goes. But I can tell it won't go where I want it to. What did I expect? Like Atmosphere said:
"can't imagine anything as small
as alcohol and hormones turning out to be anything big"

And then my roommate situation is going to hell. I'm sorry Tim, I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'm a hard person to live with, I know that. We've had good times though, give me a chance and there will be more. I know I treat you like a little brother, that's going to stop now, you deserve more. I should probably be telling this to you face to face but I don't do that very well. Dick move on my part, that's why I'll buy you lunch...

Welcome to my world peeps.


Lesbians: Competition or Comrades? Bi-Sexuals: Greedy Bastards!

Last night was the most fun I've had in a long time. Let me start at the beginning. We invited this girl from work over to drink. She'd been over the day before and we played drinking games, so we thought it'd be cool to do again. Her code name will be Cheetah. Now Cheetah happens to call herself a lesbian. Cheetah calls me and tells me some of her friends are coming over. So the guys, three of us, think "yes, girls." They show up, in walks Mouse, Pink Panther and Biker Chick. All work with us, all are lesbians. Now, for maybe the first time in 2 months we've lived here, there are more girls than guys, but the girls are only interested in each other. Fuck it, lets get drunk and maybe they'll make out in front of us.

So we play some games, do some shots, smoke some cheap cigars, you know the routine. Pink Panther shows us her pierced, size D breast, yeah only one is pierced. Not bad. Next thing we know, Cheetah and Biker Chick are locked in the room together. As we all crowd around we hear moans and ass slaps. Pink Panther wants in, she finally makes it into the room but gets dismissed. She gets mad and leaves with Mouse. One guy leaves with them. Now it's down to Cheetah, Biker Chick, Tim and I. Once the two girls are done they come out, we all go into my room and as I play cds, everyone sings along, the girls kiss a bit on my bed. After maybe 40 min of that we decide to go to bed.

Cheetah quickly claims my room for hers, makes me lock the door so Biker Chick can't come in, because I guess she doesn't really like Biker Chick. Yeah, they may be lesbians but they're still girls, cuckoo. Now since it's my room, there's no way in hell I'm giving up my bed for a lesbian. So I lay down and she lays down. She put her head on my chest and hugged me and had her leg on top of me. We start talking about anything and everything, religion, music, girls, movies, and all the while just kind of hugging and feeling up on each other. Next thing I know, while I'm in mid-sentence she kisses me. Hard. We kiss for a bit, then she pulls away and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist." I almost speechless.

After that we talked some more, hugged each other closer and ended up falling asleep like that. It was the best sleep I've had in a long time. It was really nice having someone in bed, even if there was no sex. Actually that's a huge part of why I enjoyed it. I love sex, but it was so refreshing that it wasn't necessary. At no point did I think "let's fuck" and I was drunk. Sex would have ruined the moment. Not to say I wouldn't like to in the near future, but at that point no sex was perfect.


All I wanted tonight, was a dark, quiet bar with no video poker, does that fucking exist in this town. Could I just sit at the bar and stare into my drink with out having fucking flashing lights and shit in my face? Anyone? Ideas please cuz this bullshit. Look at this picture, it's so fucking bright and happy in there, fuck, how are you supposed to get your drink on?

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Then it only get's worse. So I only had one beer there and then left. Tipped big, just in case I come back when I'm in a happy mood. Went to Smith's to buy some cheap cigars, some chips for the salsa at home, and a cheap lawn chair. The fucking cigars are locked up. It's fucking North Las Vegas, how can the fucking cigars be locked up? And then he says I have to go outside, get the chair and bring it back in. Fuck you asshole. So all I got were chips for the salsa. Now I have to drive inebriated to the nearest gas station for some fucking cigars, so I can fucking get drunk in the darkness which is my back yard sitting on my ass with a cheap ass cigar in my mouth eating some damn good chips and salsa. Fuck. Fuck.


Fuck. I had a lot of shit written, but all it adds up to is Fuck.

Like that character in I Heart Huckabees, I just want to fucking start screaming, swearing at the fucking world. Fuck.

I don't even know what I want anymore. But I know what I can't have.

My only fear of death is comin back, reincarnated

Fuck it.

Hackworth was alone and separate from all humanity, a feeling he had grown up with, like a childhood friend living next door. He had found Gwen by some miracle and lost touch with that old friend for a few years, but now he and solitude were back together, out for a stroll, familiar and comfortable.

Neal Stephenson - The Diamond Age

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The small child in this card is standing on one side of a gate, looking through it. He is so small, and so convinced that he cannot get through, he cannot see that the chain holding the gate is not locked; all he has to do is open it. Whenever we feel 'left out', or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small, helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. The problem is that, because it is so deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape, in our lives. You have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that you are somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognize the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring you the clarity to see how you can open the gate and enter that which you most long to become.

Osho Zen Tarot - The Outsider - 5 of Rainbows (Pentacles)


Here's a pic of the car I'm thinkin of getting. 2005 Chevy Aveo. I'm not sure if what color I'll go with yet, maybe black.

**update** I just noticed I left the g of of thinking. Wow. I mean, that's how I say it but I'm usually good at spelling. Spellin?

**update again** As I've been typing email's today, I've discovered the problem. the letter g on this remote isn't working the way it should. You have to press harder than any of the other keys. Piece of shit.


Michelle called me today. She was my first love for those that don't know. She's living with her boyfriend now, and up to two days ago she was pregnant. She called me today, I haven't heard from her in several months. "I'm a mommy now." She gave birth to a baby girl, 3 months ahead of schedule, weighing in at a little above 2 pounds. She had to have a c-section as well. A baby girl named Candice Skye.

She sounded so happy on the phone. So innocent. All she ever wanted in life was someone to lover her unconditionally. She finally has that. It really made me wonder. What if it was me who was still with her, the daddy? There was a time when I really wanted that. What would have happened if I hadn't pushed her away, if we'd tried to work it out? I hope she's happy, I really do. That's all I ever wanted for her. I tried so hard to be there for her, when nobody else was. Sometimes I still wish it had worked out.

She asked me how I was doing and I just said ok. I couldn't put all my shit on her. I've been wanting to talk to her for so long about my breakup. She was the first person I thought about talking to when I found out. Michelle understands me in a way nobody else does. Kelly knows me better and deeper, but there's parts of me that Kelly will never know, because they don't exist anymore. When I got with Michelle, I was in mint condition. Over our relationship she really hurt me, and I closed up areas of myself. When I met Kelly those areas remained closed.

Ha, that means if I was in mint condition with Michelle and she left me in good condition, then Kelly left me even worse off, I'm about at poor condition. That means the next lucky lady will get a bum deal. I'm in the 10 cent comic bin. Hopefully I can find someone who's more into the story than the condition of the book.

I sat on the floor in the casino for awhile while my friends were in the arcade. Just sat there watching people. Sitting all alone. I could of been all alone in the world the way I felt. My friends were on the other side of the wall, and I was texting a couple people, but it still felt shitty. I sent Kelly a text but didn't get a reply, that made me feel even worse. Two songs for today that kept coming to mind:

DMX - Slippin
See to live is to suffer but to survive
well that's to find meaning in the suffering.

Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I gots to get up
Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up!

Akon - Lonely
I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feindin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin and
I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Shit, this is turning into a livejournal hell real quick.


I guess I don't understand the concept of designated driver. It's not the guy who drinks the least, I keep forgetting that part. No seriously I didn't drink much, 3 beers. But still, if I say I'm going to be DD then I should be DD. Great bands tonight. TRIK TURNER I think was the best one. The Cheyenne Saloon wasn't so bad this time. First time I was there the music wasn't very good, just a lot of screaming, this time they actually sang. Plus there are a lot of hot girls there. Actually being there and not drinking kind of depressed me. You see all these people, making out and shit, even the fucking punk songs are about love. Fuck.