Michelle called me today. She was my first love for those that don't know. She's living with her boyfriend now, and up to two days ago she was pregnant. She called me today, I haven't heard from her in several months. "I'm a mommy now." She gave birth to a baby girl, 3 months ahead of schedule, weighing in at a little above 2 pounds. She had to have a c-section as well. A baby girl named Candice Skye.

She sounded so happy on the phone. So innocent. All she ever wanted in life was someone to lover her unconditionally. She finally has that. It really made me wonder. What if it was me who was still with her, the daddy? There was a time when I really wanted that. What would have happened if I hadn't pushed her away, if we'd tried to work it out? I hope she's happy, I really do. That's all I ever wanted for her. I tried so hard to be there for her, when nobody else was. Sometimes I still wish it had worked out.

She asked me how I was doing and I just said ok. I couldn't put all my shit on her. I've been wanting to talk to her for so long about my breakup. She was the first person I thought about talking to when I found out. Michelle understands me in a way nobody else does. Kelly knows me better and deeper, but there's parts of me that Kelly will never know, because they don't exist anymore. When I got with Michelle, I was in mint condition. Over our relationship she really hurt me, and I closed up areas of myself. When I met Kelly those areas remained closed.

Ha, that means if I was in mint condition with Michelle and she left me in good condition, then Kelly left me even worse off, I'm about at poor condition. That means the next lucky lady will get a bum deal. I'm in the 10 cent comic bin. Hopefully I can find someone who's more into the story than the condition of the book.

I sat on the floor in the casino for awhile while my friends were in the arcade. Just sat there watching people. Sitting all alone. I could of been all alone in the world the way I felt. My friends were on the other side of the wall, and I was texting a couple people, but it still felt shitty. I sent Kelly a text but didn't get a reply, that made me feel even worse. Two songs for today that kept coming to mind:

DMX - Slippin
See to live is to suffer but to survive
well that's to find meaning in the suffering.

Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I gots to get up
Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up!

Akon - Lonely
I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feindin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin and
I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Shit, this is turning into a livejournal hell real quick.


Kelly said...


s&m said...

there is a popular myth about leaving parts of oneself behind. but those parts aren't lost, they're just trapped behind invisible walls that you yourself create as a defense mechanism. you aren't in poor condition. nothing has been lost. besides, 10 cent comics are usually the most interesting - the ones that stick with you.

i'm a psych major. i know these things.


Freon said...

Are you qualified to be my therapist? I could use one.