Fuck I was angry on my way home tonight but it's not worth it. You can only help someone and try to be their friend for so long before you have to face the facts and come to the realization that they don't want you in their life. Or her boyfriend doesn't want me in her life, either way, it amounts to the same thing. Consider it done Aubree, this will be the last post to mention you, I won't contact you again, or reply to any messages from you. I don't care if he feels so insecure with himself that he can't let you have me as a friend but you should know better. I'm not just going to step back and wait until the relationship falls apart, which it will, mark my words, so that you can come back and ask me to be your friend again once it's convenient. You're either my friend or you're not and you seem to have chosen the latter. Good-bye and good luck.

You don't wanna be alone
You don't want to see the sun go down
You don't wanna open the door and see her go
One step and tomorrow comes
Two steps and she's off with someone
Three steps and it's all you know
You'll be gone, she'll be gone

Hannah Jane - Hootie and the Blowfish

So life is different these days. I don't remember the last thing I posted about, so I'll start over.

I'm on a Hootie kick at the moment; I'll be at the Silverton Hotel and Casino on New Year's to watch them. It beats being down on the strip, cold and drunk. I didn't buy the tickets so I'm not sure if they include the meet and greet but that would be awesome.


So things have changed. I'm not with Aubree anymore, in fact, she's on her way to marriage. Kelly's chillin' in KC with one maybe two. Michelle has baby number two on the way. Dated Daisy for a minute, just didn't see it working out. Hanging with my supervisor a lot, I don't know what's going to happen with that, a big train wreck might be in store for me. I seem to build chaos into my life, I can't just enjoy it, I have to make it interesting and exciting. If I get bored I move on. On that note, my life has been pretty interesting lately, I saw Uncle Kracker and Kid Rock, Aerosmith and Mötley Crüe, visited Griffith Park and Disneyland, learned to enjoy a glass of wine, shopped at expensive stores, and just enjoyed myself.

What is love
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
no more

What is Love - Haddaway

What is love? I don't know. I guess it's the feeling I've had for a few women in my life. But what that feeling is exactly, I don't know. It's not the same for all of them, it's a different feeling for each of them. Not really comparable. The way I felt for my first, Michelle, is not like the feeling I had for my last, Aubree. It's not that I "loved" one more than the other, it's like they're on two different scales. I can say I "loved" them both but I can't really compare that "love" to each other. And I still feel that for them. Even though I'm not with them anymore, I still feel the same about them. I still love Kelly today the same as I did the day it ended. And that feeling doesn't affect the feeling I have for Nicole. I don't know, is that love? At the same time I don't understand their feelings. I don't understand how Michelle said she loved me but now is married to someone else, how Kelly lives with another man, and how Aubree is thinking of marriage. I can't wrap my brain around it. It hurts. The same way it hurt Kelly that Michelle was always in my mind. To me it wasn't a competition between them but in her mind I think it was. And now I'm sure she doesn't think it's a competition between him and me but to me it kind of is. I don't expect to get back with any of them. But I can't handle my memory losing it's place to someone else. I can't handle being forgotten. Huh. Wow, I've never actually thought that before, but it's true. I haven't forgotten them, and I don't want them to forget me. I still think about each and everyone of them. About what could have been and what should have been and what was. Do they think about me like that? Do they long for the past like I do? Why am I stuck in the past, I can't move on, can they?

I just polished of a bottle of white wine, not bad, I got a good buzz. I gotta work in a few hours, so I guess I should head off.

Livin' my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her

Picture - Kid Rock / Sheryl Crow

I called Kelly today, returning an earlier call from her, and I of course got her voicemail. I left a message, nothing fancy, just the normal hello, it's me, call me, bye shtick everyone uses when leaving voicemails. About 15 minutes later she calls me back and asks why I'm so happy. I guess the last time we talked I sounded all depressed but this time I left a very cheerful voicemail. Now that I think about it, I was in a good mood at the time, a great mood in fact. It's not just one factor that led to my cheerfulness but probably a lot of little things.

I think the biggest thing is that Peanut, my Chihuahua, is gone. Now that by itself is terrible, I love him so much and miss him, but it means that Aubree is really gone now. Sure, she still has some stuff in her room but Peanut was the last thing of any importance and now he's gone. I felt really shitty before, because I didn't know how I was going to handle being alone. Well now I am alone, she's gone and not coming back, so the deed is done and I'm still alive. Since I survived, part of me is feeling happier. As long as I don't sit and think about her I'm fine. At work I laugh and flirt and play. I even do a little work here and there, and I enjoy the day. So things are looking up, and thank you Kelly for pointing that out to me.

Kelly also brought up the idea I've had for a few years of moving to Cancun to work and party for a season. She says she's interested again so I'm going to do a little more research on it, to see what kind of paperwork we would need to work there, where to live, etc. It would be amazing to spend months in Paradise. On the beach during the day and working in a club at night, going into the jungle on the weekends, or fishing out at sea. I can't wait, I hope it comes through, and right now I can't think of anyone I would like to have there more than Kelly. Kansas City has changed her, and our relationship, and contrary to earlier beliefs I now think its been for the best. So we'll see what happens.

Well, that's it for tonight. I need to start going to bed earlier. Waking up at 5:30am for the last 4 months hasn't gotten any easier.

Well, I just found out I have a bench warrant out for my arrest. I guess that's kind of cool in away. See I got a ticket sometime last year for reckless driving and my lawyer had it reduced and I'm supposed to be paying what was left on a monthly basis. But I forgot to make the last two payments. Totally didn't even think about them until today. I'm hoping that all I have to do is pay the rest off and that the fine doesn't go back to it's original sum of $1150. We'll see. I won't be able to pay it off until next check, so I'm hoping I don't get pulled over between now and then.

Other than that I had a great dinner with Marcela from work. We went to some Italian joint called Bucca de Peppo or something like that. They serve in family portions only so we shared some fresh mozzerala and tomato appetizer and then some excellent shrimp scampi. Then we went to the movies and saw Break Up which was very fitting seeing what I'm going through. That movie really opened up my eyes to some of the things I do that cause friction with people. But like in the movie, even though you realize what the problem is, you can get to the point where it's to late to fix it, even if you want to. So moving on is really the only way. I just hope I never have a scene like the last one in the movie. They run into each other a year or so later. They say the expected formalities, and greetings, and then they part. As they both walk away they turn and look at each other and smile. That would just be akward. I guess that's why I like to remain friends with them. To meet someone you loved and lived with and who was a huge part of your life and now they no longer are, they're just some person you know and have an obligation to say hi to. That's not what I want.

Well it's off to sleep.

Peace

Just got back from the store. I spent a little over $10 on the essentials. Water, beer, and orange juice. Tap water in Vegas is disgusting and doesn't quench your thirst, thus I am forced to buy drinking water. I really only buy the water for my dogs, because they really enjoy it compared to tap water. Beer and oj are self explanatory. Water through out the day as I get thirsty, beer at night to help me sleep and oj in the morning to help wake me up. Now that is a diet. I get a free meal at work but lately I just haven't been to hungry. Maybe a bagel, a piece of chicken, or just a bag of chips and I'm full. I'm running with my dogs as well, about 2 miles, so I expect the weight to drop.

Anyways, I'm going to go watch world cup replays, drink beer, and mope.

I hate feeling shitty, yet knowing at the same time that I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel this way, at least no logical reason. She's gone, because I wanted her gone. So I should be happy, correct? I should be over-joyed that I'm out of a bad relationship, but I'm not. Was it a bad relationship? If so, why was it bad? Was she to blame or am I at fault? Am I a failure because I couldn't make it work? Or am I a victim because she sabotaged the relationship? Do I love her still? Did I love her? Did she love me? Does she still love me?

I miss her, that's why I feel like this. I miss her. I don't miss the fighting or the irritations or the other problems we always seemed to find, but I miss her. For who she was and how she made me feel when I was around her. But I guess that feeling wasn't enough. I broke up with her, I have to remember that. I always thought it was easier break up with than to be broken up with. But it's not, it's the same. Exactly the same.

I'm friends with my other exes, at least I like to think I am, but truly I don't know. When was the last time I spoke with Michelle? So long ago I can't recall. Actually, I got an email from her on Myspace a couple months ago, does that count? How about Kelly? We talk, every couple weeks. I saw her a few months ago, January or February. How close are we really? Now the question is how close will I remain with Aubree? Not very. That's the impression I get from her. Oh we talked a few times about hanging out, having a TV night once a week, going swimming, things like that, but it seems more like we're pretending. Like we want to remain friends because it's the thing to do, not what we really want. She easily blows me off to hang out with her new boyfriend, no second thoughts to my feelings. I feel like I've been trying to buy her friendship, paying her bills, giving her gas money. It's sad that I feel that way, but it's more sad that she doesn't even notice.

I felt angry last night, more than I have ever been. I felt lied to and used. I gathered up some of her things that she'd left here. I'd been out of town and she was watching our dogs, but when I got home she wasn't here and the dogs were hyper from no exercise, they had no food and barely any water. She was at her boyfriends. We argued on the phone and ended badly. Today I told her that since she doesn't seem to want me in her life that I would leave her alone. She said ok. I guess that answers the question of how close we'll be.

I guess she'll remember me as an asshole, like her other exes. I don't know why that thought bothers me so much but it does. I hate feeling like I'm such a bad person that someone who said she loved me can then hate me. I shouldn't care, but I do. I should move on and get on with my life but I don't know how.

A girl at work told me that if I don't know myself how do I expect someone else to know me. I don't even know where to begin looking for myself. I need to do the searching alone, and that's probably the hardest thing. So enough with playing the jealous ex-boyfriend part, and since I'm not allowed to play the best friend bit, I guess I'll play the 'some guy I used to know' part.

Good luck with everything Aubree, I hope you're happy with your new boyfriend, I hope you found what it was you were looking for. I'll probably see you a couple more times, as you pick up the rest of your things, but after that it will be goodbye. Maybe you'll see me years from now and wonder what my name is, and you might even ask me if we know each other, and I'll be sure to say no, that we've never met. And I'll turn and walk away and let you get back to you happy life. And by doing that I'll be fulfilling my promise of leaving you alone.

I need to get these bad ass movies. Nothing like naked Japanese girls with swords.



Their website is here

I've told every girl I've been with the following and they all go forward with the relationship and they all get hurt. I have never meant to hurt any of them but it happens none the less. I don't know what to do anymore. Happiness just seems unattainable to me.

My self-fullfilling prophecy:

You are in pursuit of a dream, and by no means is it a peaceful dream. You fantasize about extraordinary passions, extreme emotions, and romantic insanity. The search for this dream often makes you agitated and restless. You blow through people's lives like a hurricane, leaving a path of shattered hearts and broken promises. You long for stability and commitment, but only the relationship of your dreams will satisfy you. All other relationships are expendable.
If you are lucky enough to find your dream early in life, then you have a wonderful capacity for living happily ever after. If you don't, then the situation can get out of control. Physical sex is always less important to you than emotional security, but your emotional needs are so intense that you often don't take time to notice the difference. Any kind of emotional release--even the most casual or callous--can sustain you for awhile. When your dream seems distant and unattainable, you are all to willing to settle for these short-term fixes.

I love strippers. I adore them. Something about them deserves to be worshiped and it's not their great tits and beautiful butts. Those are great and wonderful and amazing and so on and so forth, but that's not really what makes me fall for them. There's one thing that strippers give me that no girlfriend ever has, that no one night stand ever has. They give me soul piercing looks of desire. They want and need me right now. The way they look at me, that one thing is heaven. I can almost fall in love from that one look. I know that every guy in the room gets the same look and that all they really want is my dollar bill but I don't care. All they do is tease. They let you look but not touch. There's no sex in the champagne room, I know that. As long as they give me that look I let everything else slide. One look like that and a girl has me in the palm of her hand to do with as she wishes. I want to know why regular girls don't give those kind of looks? I've gotten 'I love you' and 'I need you' and 'I want you' but never one of those looks. Why? I want that look and I want it everyday. I don't want a stripper, I just want that look, so where do I find it? Is it even out there? I need it.

Bird's Nest

Bird's Nest, originally uploaded by Freon.

Now this is art. I'd like to see the art statement on this one. See the 'Beaver' here.

From Boing Boing

A 12-year-old boy on a school field trip to the Detroit Institute of Arts stuck a wad of gum on a painting. Helen Frankenthaler's 1963 painting, titled "The Bay," is apparently valued at $1.5 million. The gum was removed but left a stain. The boy has been suspended from school. Image seen here is the painting, not the gum. From the Associated Press:

The museum's conservation department is researching the chemicals in the gum to decide which solvent to use to clean it. The museum hopes to make the repair in two weeks and will keep "The Bay" on display in the meantime, (curator Becky Hart) said.

"Our expectation is that the painting is going to be fine," Hart said.

Now what I find extremely amusing in this story, is that they have to tell you the image is the painting and not the gum, because the normal person would not know the fucking difference. That's modern art people. In fact, I know that if no one had seen the boy stick the gum on the painting, no one would ever have known. Oh no, on the contrary, I can totally see a date in the near future when an art critic is yapping his mouth about "The Bay" and talking about how much of an art genius Helen Frankenthaler is for using watermelon chewing gum in expressing her emotions and feelings about hunger in third world countries and why there are no more spotted leopards in fucking Greenland. And you can read her art statement if you need any more insight into the mind of Helen Frankenthaler. It's right there next to the $1.5 million price tag. You see people, this is a shitty art piece, and the addition of chewing gum to it by a 12 year old fucking delinquent can only add to it's charm and appeal.

Wow, I don't know what's gotten into me about art these days.

I've always wondered how photographers and other artists come up with the art statements usually found next to their pieces. It really just seems like bullshit art rhetoric thought up on the spur of the moment, weeks after the actual photo was shot, all so they can fill the little piece of paper that needs to go next to the 'art piece' so that nobody notices the insane price tag and shits themselves from shock. Joerg Colberg at Conscientious, which is his very cool blog on photography, art, and life, shares a similar view:

It's interesting (and a bit sad) that when you look at what is commonly called fine-art photography it always comes with a statement, which typically contains some sort of explanation or motivation for the photography. You never get to see something like "I just wanted to take some beautiful photos" or "I liked the way those rubble piles looked, so I took a bunch of photos." I wonder why. I have no way of actually proving this, but I am convinced that many photographers do not have all that stuff from their statements in their heads and then go out to shoot the photography. I have the suspicion that some of them, after having shot their photos, have a hard time writing something that can pass as a statement, because "I just wanted to take beautiful photos of rubble piles" somehow doesn't appear to be acceptable. I don't mean to say that I have a problem with somebody's wish to explain his/her photos or reveal the motivation behind them or whatever else. What I do mean to say, though, is that I personally find it perfectly understandable and acceptable if somebody does not want to write a statement. But that's not how the art world works.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Another cool gift idea




Probably not for me personally but if you're buying gifts for others, this might be nice.

Cool jacket I wouldn't mind recieving for my birthday, hint hint:




sold here SuspectGoods

13_abUdbEXblgyD, originally uploaded by 华莱士.

Amazing and beautiful.

FREE PANCAKES! NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

On February 28, 2006 from 7 AM to 2 PM IHOPs across the country will celebrate National Pancake Day (also known as Shrove Tuesday) by offering our guests a free short stack of pancakes*. This is going to be our biggest one day celebration in our history.

National Pancake Day has a rich history that stretches back centuries and has always been a time of celebration. National Pancake Day always falls on Fat Tuesday and this year it will be a celebration at IHOP.

So gather your friends, family and neighbors and come to your local IHOP and enjoy a short stack of pancakes on us. All we ask is that you consider making a donation to a great charity like First Book or other local, worthy cause. Where else would you celebrate National Pancake Day than IHOP? See you there.

* Limit one free short stack per guest. Valid for dine-in only, no to go orders. Not valid with any other offer, special, coupon, or discount. Valid at participating restaurants only, while supplies last.

local IHOPs: (you can change it to your ZIP code at the bottom of the page --->LOOK!

Might aquire this little fellow this weekend. I have to actually meet him before I decide. Actually he has a buddy that's available as well. 2 bulldogs? I don't know, I'm tempted.

I've been surfing the web and here are some cool things I've found today.

Aerial photographs of Mexico City's neighborhoods. This page has some amazing photographs, almost surreal. Some very cool architecture as well.

"Maid in Japan" cafes treat geeks like lords. This would be great. Asian girls all dressed up in anime costumes and serving you food. Wonderful.

Sex Tips For Geeks: On Being Good In Bed. Haven't read this one yet, but it sounds like good stuff.

This guy hacked his myspace profile so it doesn't look like all the others. It actually looks like a regular blog page. I'm going to use his code to do something similar with mine even if it does violate the myspace rules.

Make T-shirts easily and cheaply with Spreadshirt.com


Silkroad Online. MMPORPG. Free. 'nuff said.

Beautiful images from China. One of the many countries I want to visit. See more here.

For those of you worried that I might die of thirst sitting here surfing, no need to worry, I've finally given into self preservation and got my lazy ass out of the chair to get some much needed moisture. Of course, I sat back down without thinking of obtaining some nourishment as well. So back up I go to grab a delicous tamale my mom made over the holidays, it should still be good to eat right?

I need a new online name, the Freon era is over, it has been for a long time. Time to move onto something new. Something to think about tonight.

Update: Tiberius Zero, for now, we'll see how that sits with me tomorrow.

I'm up late, just wandering the web with no real destination. I checked out some recipes for dog treats I might make my dogs. Also looked at some trails up at Mount Charelston I might take them, especially my Siberian so she can see some snow for her first time. All of these are maybe's. Not really up to doing anything lately, a little depressed I guess. Friends keep calling and asking me to do things and it's rare when I actually do. Just to point out how lazy I am: I'm pretty parched at the moment and in my fridge there is a nice, cold Squirt, but I'm to lazy to get up and grab it. Trolling around Myspace just seems more interesting then quenching my thirst.

I checked out some of my old drafts that I have saved on here and saw one from early last year. I decided to post it, I just found it interesting how I felt back then compared to how I feel now. These days I don't really want to get married, not like I did back then. And I'm not drunk at the moment either like I was then, whether that's good or bad can be debated. Here's the draft as I wrote it back in March 2005:

My cousin is getting married. That phrase fucks with my mind every time. When I first heard it I was speechless. Ali is getting married. My other cousin, Axel is already married and has a cute little baby girl. He's younger than me. Now Ali, who is older than me is getting married, his girl pregnant, by the end of the year he'll have a baby. That leaves me, no wife, no child, not even a girlfriend.

There's three of us, born around the same time. Nobody in our family is as close as we are. Ali, Alexis and Axel. Three brothers from different parents. We couldn't be closer if we were brothers. I grew up in Wyoming, they grew up in Chihuahua, but when we got together it was like we'd never been separated. And now I feel like it's over. Wives and children, really changes the picture, no room for me now. Can't drop by and have Daddy go cruising or bar hopping with me.

I always thought I would be first to get married, I don't know why but I did. But now I'll be the last, if at all. Ali's getting married this April. Hopefully I'll be at the wedding. At first I didn't want to go, but I've come to realize that I need to be there. I missed Axel's, but I don't have to miss this one.

I feel bad sometimes, that the life I'm living is without them. They don't know English, they don't live in Vegas, they don't enjoy the luxuries I do. I feel like I need to move back home, like I've sold out, I have to go back to my roots. Growing up my plans were always to marry a Mexican girl, a pretty girl, a girl that could cook like my mom, a girl that grew up like me. But she doesn't exist. As close as I am to my cousins, I'm still the outsider. As close as I get to my friends here, I'm still the outsider. It doesn't matter who I'm with, I'm different.

This is the shit I think about when I drink. I haven't had a good drinking session by myself in quite awhile, but I need to. It helps release emotions. If I could write every thought that is going on in my head, this would be damn interesting, but I can't so I'll leave it at that.

A veces pienso que tu nunca vendrás
pero te quiero y te tengo que esperar
este destino me lleva hasta el final
donde algún día mi amor te encontrara

Cafe Tacuba - Como Te ExtrañO

Took a trip to the other side of Vegas last night with Chatterjee. We cruised over to the Divebar on East Tropicana to check out The Capricorns. They're described by the local alt-weekly as "casio-driven party pop," which after listening to on myspace, I decided I liked. I was really stoked to check them out, I guess they're huge on the indie scene and I wanted to see what it was all about. Plus I haven't been to a show in a long time so this was going to be cool. I was expecting a small, dingy little hole in the wall but the Divebar is pretty cool. It is small but I liked that about it, you get to be right up with the band. Plus the bartender was hot, blonde with extra large breasts, that's always nice. Not only was she hot, but she was nice which is very rare. We ordered some drinks and sat down to wait. That's when some old dudes get up on stage and grab the instruments. The proceed to tell us the Capricorn's van broke down in Colorado and won't be making it tonight. Then they proceed to play some covers. It sucked. Sorry but it did. So we finished our beers and left. Ended up in a bar closer to home playing pool. It was good quality time with Chatterjee but I didn't get to see a show. I guess we missed a fight, the bartender talks about it on her blog so maybe we shouldn't have left so early. I've never actually seen a barfight, but the way she describes it, it was more of a ass kicking then a fight, but that would have made my night. Overall a good time.