I'm up late, just wandering the web with no real destination. I checked out some recipes for dog treats I might make my dogs. Also looked at some trails up at Mount Charelston I might take them, especially my Siberian so she can see some snow for her first time. All of these are maybe's. Not really up to doing anything lately, a little depressed I guess. Friends keep calling and asking me to do things and it's rare when I actually do. Just to point out how lazy I am: I'm pretty parched at the moment and in my fridge there is a nice, cold Squirt, but I'm to lazy to get up and grab it. Trolling around Myspace just seems more interesting then quenching my thirst.

I checked out some of my old drafts that I have saved on here and saw one from early last year. I decided to post it, I just found it interesting how I felt back then compared to how I feel now. These days I don't really want to get married, not like I did back then. And I'm not drunk at the moment either like I was then, whether that's good or bad can be debated. Here's the draft as I wrote it back in March 2005:

My cousin is getting married. That phrase fucks with my mind every time. When I first heard it I was speechless. Ali is getting married. My other cousin, Axel is already married and has a cute little baby girl. He's younger than me. Now Ali, who is older than me is getting married, his girl pregnant, by the end of the year he'll have a baby. That leaves me, no wife, no child, not even a girlfriend.

There's three of us, born around the same time. Nobody in our family is as close as we are. Ali, Alexis and Axel. Three brothers from different parents. We couldn't be closer if we were brothers. I grew up in Wyoming, they grew up in Chihuahua, but when we got together it was like we'd never been separated. And now I feel like it's over. Wives and children, really changes the picture, no room for me now. Can't drop by and have Daddy go cruising or bar hopping with me.

I always thought I would be first to get married, I don't know why but I did. But now I'll be the last, if at all. Ali's getting married this April. Hopefully I'll be at the wedding. At first I didn't want to go, but I've come to realize that I need to be there. I missed Axel's, but I don't have to miss this one.

I feel bad sometimes, that the life I'm living is without them. They don't know English, they don't live in Vegas, they don't enjoy the luxuries I do. I feel like I need to move back home, like I've sold out, I have to go back to my roots. Growing up my plans were always to marry a Mexican girl, a pretty girl, a girl that could cook like my mom, a girl that grew up like me. But she doesn't exist. As close as I am to my cousins, I'm still the outsider. As close as I get to my friends here, I'm still the outsider. It doesn't matter who I'm with, I'm different.

This is the shit I think about when I drink. I haven't had a good drinking session by myself in quite awhile, but I need to. It helps release emotions. If I could write every thought that is going on in my head, this would be damn interesting, but I can't so I'll leave it at that.

A veces pienso que tu nunca vendrás
pero te quiero y te tengo que esperar
este destino me lleva hasta el final
donde algún día mi amor te encontrara

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