I hate feeling shitty, yet knowing at the same time that I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel this way, at least no logical reason. She's gone, because I wanted her gone. So I should be happy, correct? I should be over-joyed that I'm out of a bad relationship, but I'm not. Was it a bad relationship? If so, why was it bad? Was she to blame or am I at fault? Am I a failure because I couldn't make it work? Or am I a victim because she sabotaged the relationship? Do I love her still? Did I love her? Did she love me? Does she still love me?
I miss her, that's why I feel like this. I miss her. I don't miss the fighting or the irritations or the other problems we always seemed to find, but I miss her. For who she was and how she made me feel when I was around her. But I guess that feeling wasn't enough. I broke up with her, I have to remember that. I always thought it was easier break up with than to be broken up with. But it's not, it's the same. Exactly the same.
I'm friends with my other exes, at least I like to think I am, but truly I don't know. When was the last time I spoke with Michelle? So long ago I can't recall. Actually, I got an email from her on Myspace a couple months ago, does that count? How about Kelly? We talk, every couple weeks. I saw her a few months ago, January or February. How close are we really? Now the question is how close will I remain with Aubree? Not very. That's the impression I get from her. Oh we talked a few times about hanging out, having a TV night once a week, going swimming, things like that, but it seems more like we're pretending. Like we want to remain friends because it's the thing to do, not what we really want. She easily blows me off to hang out with her new boyfriend, no second thoughts to my feelings. I feel like I've been trying to buy her friendship, paying her bills, giving her gas money. It's sad that I feel that way, but it's more sad that she doesn't even notice.
I felt angry last night, more than I have ever been. I felt lied to and used. I gathered up some of her things that she'd left here. I'd been out of town and she was watching our dogs, but when I got home she wasn't here and the dogs were hyper from no exercise, they had no food and barely any water. She was at her boyfriends. We argued on the phone and ended badly. Today I told her that since she doesn't seem to want me in her life that I would leave her alone. She said ok. I guess that answers the question of how close we'll be.
I guess she'll remember me as an asshole, like her other exes. I don't know why that thought bothers me so much but it does. I hate feeling like I'm such a bad person that someone who said she loved me can then hate me. I shouldn't care, but I do. I should move on and get on with my life but I don't know how.
A girl at work told me that if I don't know myself how do I expect someone else to know me. I don't even know where to begin looking for myself. I need to do the searching alone, and that's probably the hardest thing. So enough with playing the jealous ex-boyfriend part, and since I'm not allowed to play the best friend bit, I guess I'll play the 'some guy I used to know' part.
Good luck with everything Aubree, I hope you're happy with your new boyfriend, I hope you found what it was you were looking for. I'll probably see you a couple more times, as you pick up the rest of your things, but after that it will be goodbye. Maybe you'll see me years from now and wonder what my name is, and you might even ask me if we know each other, and I'll be sure to say no, that we've never met. And I'll turn and walk away and let you get back to you happy life. And by doing that I'll be fulfilling my promise of leaving you alone.