I called Kelly today, returning an earlier call from her, and I of course got her voicemail. I left a message, nothing fancy, just the normal hello, it's me, call me, bye shtick everyone uses when leaving voicemails. About 15 minutes later she calls me back and asks why I'm so happy. I guess the last time we talked I sounded all depressed but this time I left a very cheerful voicemail. Now that I think about it, I was in a good mood at the time, a great mood in fact. It's not just one factor that led to my cheerfulness but probably a lot of little things.

I think the biggest thing is that Peanut, my Chihuahua, is gone. Now that by itself is terrible, I love him so much and miss him, but it means that Aubree is really gone now. Sure, she still has some stuff in her room but Peanut was the last thing of any importance and now he's gone. I felt really shitty before, because I didn't know how I was going to handle being alone. Well now I am alone, she's gone and not coming back, so the deed is done and I'm still alive. Since I survived, part of me is feeling happier. As long as I don't sit and think about her I'm fine. At work I laugh and flirt and play. I even do a little work here and there, and I enjoy the day. So things are looking up, and thank you Kelly for pointing that out to me.

Kelly also brought up the idea I've had for a few years of moving to Cancun to work and party for a season. She says she's interested again so I'm going to do a little more research on it, to see what kind of paperwork we would need to work there, where to live, etc. It would be amazing to spend months in Paradise. On the beach during the day and working in a club at night, going into the jungle on the weekends, or fishing out at sea. I can't wait, I hope it comes through, and right now I can't think of anyone I would like to have there more than Kelly. Kansas City has changed her, and our relationship, and contrary to earlier beliefs I now think its been for the best. So we'll see what happens.

Well, that's it for tonight. I need to start going to bed earlier. Waking up at 5:30am for the last 4 months hasn't gotten any easier.

Well, I just found out I have a bench warrant out for my arrest. I guess that's kind of cool in away. See I got a ticket sometime last year for reckless driving and my lawyer had it reduced and I'm supposed to be paying what was left on a monthly basis. But I forgot to make the last two payments. Totally didn't even think about them until today. I'm hoping that all I have to do is pay the rest off and that the fine doesn't go back to it's original sum of $1150. We'll see. I won't be able to pay it off until next check, so I'm hoping I don't get pulled over between now and then.

Other than that I had a great dinner with Marcela from work. We went to some Italian joint called Bucca de Peppo or something like that. They serve in family portions only so we shared some fresh mozzerala and tomato appetizer and then some excellent shrimp scampi. Then we went to the movies and saw Break Up which was very fitting seeing what I'm going through. That movie really opened up my eyes to some of the things I do that cause friction with people. But like in the movie, even though you realize what the problem is, you can get to the point where it's to late to fix it, even if you want to. So moving on is really the only way. I just hope I never have a scene like the last one in the movie. They run into each other a year or so later. They say the expected formalities, and greetings, and then they part. As they both walk away they turn and look at each other and smile. That would just be akward. I guess that's why I like to remain friends with them. To meet someone you loved and lived with and who was a huge part of your life and now they no longer are, they're just some person you know and have an obligation to say hi to. That's not what I want.

Well it's off to sleep.

Peace

Just got back from the store. I spent a little over $10 on the essentials. Water, beer, and orange juice. Tap water in Vegas is disgusting and doesn't quench your thirst, thus I am forced to buy drinking water. I really only buy the water for my dogs, because they really enjoy it compared to tap water. Beer and oj are self explanatory. Water through out the day as I get thirsty, beer at night to help me sleep and oj in the morning to help wake me up. Now that is a diet. I get a free meal at work but lately I just haven't been to hungry. Maybe a bagel, a piece of chicken, or just a bag of chips and I'm full. I'm running with my dogs as well, about 2 miles, so I expect the weight to drop.

Anyways, I'm going to go watch world cup replays, drink beer, and mope.

I hate feeling shitty, yet knowing at the same time that I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel this way, at least no logical reason. She's gone, because I wanted her gone. So I should be happy, correct? I should be over-joyed that I'm out of a bad relationship, but I'm not. Was it a bad relationship? If so, why was it bad? Was she to blame or am I at fault? Am I a failure because I couldn't make it work? Or am I a victim because she sabotaged the relationship? Do I love her still? Did I love her? Did she love me? Does she still love me?

I miss her, that's why I feel like this. I miss her. I don't miss the fighting or the irritations or the other problems we always seemed to find, but I miss her. For who she was and how she made me feel when I was around her. But I guess that feeling wasn't enough. I broke up with her, I have to remember that. I always thought it was easier break up with than to be broken up with. But it's not, it's the same. Exactly the same.

I'm friends with my other exes, at least I like to think I am, but truly I don't know. When was the last time I spoke with Michelle? So long ago I can't recall. Actually, I got an email from her on Myspace a couple months ago, does that count? How about Kelly? We talk, every couple weeks. I saw her a few months ago, January or February. How close are we really? Now the question is how close will I remain with Aubree? Not very. That's the impression I get from her. Oh we talked a few times about hanging out, having a TV night once a week, going swimming, things like that, but it seems more like we're pretending. Like we want to remain friends because it's the thing to do, not what we really want. She easily blows me off to hang out with her new boyfriend, no second thoughts to my feelings. I feel like I've been trying to buy her friendship, paying her bills, giving her gas money. It's sad that I feel that way, but it's more sad that she doesn't even notice.

I felt angry last night, more than I have ever been. I felt lied to and used. I gathered up some of her things that she'd left here. I'd been out of town and she was watching our dogs, but when I got home she wasn't here and the dogs were hyper from no exercise, they had no food and barely any water. She was at her boyfriends. We argued on the phone and ended badly. Today I told her that since she doesn't seem to want me in her life that I would leave her alone. She said ok. I guess that answers the question of how close we'll be.

I guess she'll remember me as an asshole, like her other exes. I don't know why that thought bothers me so much but it does. I hate feeling like I'm such a bad person that someone who said she loved me can then hate me. I shouldn't care, but I do. I should move on and get on with my life but I don't know how.

A girl at work told me that if I don't know myself how do I expect someone else to know me. I don't even know where to begin looking for myself. I need to do the searching alone, and that's probably the hardest thing. So enough with playing the jealous ex-boyfriend part, and since I'm not allowed to play the best friend bit, I guess I'll play the 'some guy I used to know' part.

Good luck with everything Aubree, I hope you're happy with your new boyfriend, I hope you found what it was you were looking for. I'll probably see you a couple more times, as you pick up the rest of your things, but after that it will be goodbye. Maybe you'll see me years from now and wonder what my name is, and you might even ask me if we know each other, and I'll be sure to say no, that we've never met. And I'll turn and walk away and let you get back to you happy life. And by doing that I'll be fulfilling my promise of leaving you alone.