5.28.2005

I'm supposed to be in bed right now, catching up on all the sleep I've missed this last week. Saturday, today in other words, is my last day of vacation. It's been a hell of a week. Hell of a month, and if we're going back that far, it's been a hell of a year. I was thrown from paradise, and banished into hell, but I'm fighting my way back and doing a fine job of it, too. I wish I could go back to the way it was, but that way has closed, a new frontier lies ahead and it's up to me to boldly go. (damn that's cheesy)

So I have a girlfriend now. I enjoy hanging out with her and being with her. I hope that I'm not just using her as a rebound girl, she deserves more than that. She may not fill the hole that was left but I don't expect her to. She makes me happy, helps me forget the emptiness, what more can I ask for?

I have my new car, which is great and I love it. I have money in my pocket, which I also love. I have a $100 bottle of Patron Silver Tequila in the freezer, ice cold is how we do it. I have a civil, if not friendly relationship with Kelly. Life is looking up. It may not be paradise, but it sure isn't hell. (even though it feels like it outside, fuck it's hot)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Now that, is a bottle of tequila!!!!


5.26.2005

So the idea of going to Iraq to work came up. $70 to $90 thousand for a year. Is it worth it?



Maybe, just maybe...


5.24.2005

Nordkraft. Check out the trailer, it looks fucking good, even if it's not in English. Hopefully I'll find a dvd of it once it's out.


5.21.2005

Thanks for your comments on the previous post. I've hidden them since they got a little too personal and off topic. I will continue to post because she hasn't really told me to stop and because it's therapeutic.

Back by popular demand, the next installment in The New Adventures of Freon: Freon Goes on Safari!

So I met my next door neighbor a couple nights ago. Very interesting to say the least. Hot Hispanic girl, single, and has one little girl (who happens to have the same name as me, anyways). I guess I'll call her Tigress, because Cheetah's are not scared of much except for the larger cats, and I think Cheetah was scared. As soon as Tigress stepped into the room, both Cheetah and her friend stepped the fuck back. They backed into their corner and just watched from there. Tigress looked around, like a Queen surveying her newly conquered land, and said to me, "That's, the competition?" (big pause after that's). Tigress knows what she wants, and from looks of things, she gets what she wants.

Earlier we went to a bar to meet some of my friends. Cheetah didn't even talk to me, and barely acknowledged me. So that pissed me off. She'd said that in public she couldn't show affection but I wasn't asking for affection, just attention. I was invisible. So I was mad. When we got home, we were sitting in front of my house drinking in the back of the truck when Tigress came home. She introduced herself to us, and called me an asshole for not coming over to say hi to her a few days earlier. She then invited us over to her house, so the guys went over, the girls said we'll be over in a minute and never did come over. We talked with Tigress for a bit then walked over to my house to get more drinks. That's when she said the competition statement.

Now Cheetah was ignoring me even more. She felt threatened by Tigress and probably had reason to be. We sat outside together and talked. Cheetah sat on the other side of the backyard and talked shit to Tech about me. And then Tigress starts talking about how much she likes me and wants to get to know me better. We go inside and sit on the couch and then we end up making out. She does a hot little lap dance for me, with Tim watching. I felt bad that Cheetah could see this through the kitchen door, but I felt it was well deserved.

Later I walked Tigress to her house and said goodnight. Then I sat in my truck bed alone for a bit, thinking about things. I ended up texting Cheetah and she came out to talk to me. We had a good conversation. In the end we decided we would try a relationship. Probably not the best way to start a relationship, and having a girl next door won't make it any easier, but that's life.


On another note, my roommate had his nipples pierced last night with safety pins disinfected in Bacardi 151. Cheetah did the honors. It looked painful as fuck. He already took one out because it was crooked. Anyone want to bet on how long it takes to get infected?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


5.20.2005

So, we're having another party this weekend, I just found out yesterday. My roommate found out about the same time, that's how plugged in we are. I guess Cheetah talked to us about it a few days prior but neither one of us remembered. So yeah, party at my house Saturday.

So Cheetah and I've been seeing each other a bit. She's stayed over a few times. Usually we just talk and go to sleep but we've had sex as well. So I guess she's not a lesbian. At first I got way caught up in it, I wanted her to be my girlfriend or something serious. I was annoyed she didn't want to show interest in me in public. So we talked about it and I agreed with her, we don't know each other yet. Drunk sex does not equal a relationship. So I've stepped back and what ever happens happens. Which brings me to my new conundrum.

I've always noticed that you can be without a girl for any period of time. You spend this time wishing you had a girl. Then, as soon as you do find a girl who shows interest and you hit it off with her, another girl steps into the picture. You go from zero girls to too many girls. Now I'm just going off of Tim's word on this, but I have no reason to doubt him. Another girl at work is showing interest. We'll go ahead and call her Snow Fox, yeah that's a good one.

The problem is Tim invited Snow Fox to the party, and Cheetah is throwing the party. Now Snow Fox might not even show, or she may not really be that interested, but if she does, how do I play it. Return any interest she shows me or ignore her. I know Cheetah won't be showing interest in me, at least not until the after party when we're alone, but if I show interest in Snow Fox there may not be an after party.

I don't think I've ever gotten with a girl that another girl didn't pop into the picture right away. I actually think I enjoy this problem way to much. Oh well, I'll adapt to whatever happens.


5.14.2005

What's up with me calling people when I'm drunk? I really fucked up, let Cheetah see a side of me I wasn't ready to share. So now, she says she's just a rebound girl. That's not what I wanted her to be, but in reality, I guess she is. I guess we'll see where it goes. But I can tell it won't go where I want it to. What did I expect? Like Atmosphere said:
"can't imagine anything as small
as alcohol and hormones turning out to be anything big"


And then my roommate situation is going to hell. I'm sorry Tim, I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'm a hard person to live with, I know that. We've had good times though, give me a chance and there will be more. I know I treat you like a little brother, that's going to stop now, you deserve more. I should probably be telling this to you face to face but I don't do that very well. Dick move on my part, that's why I'll buy you lunch...

Welcome to my world peeps.


5.10.2005

Lesbians: Competition or Comrades? Bi-Sexuals: Greedy Bastards!

Last night was the most fun I've had in a long time. Let me start at the beginning. We invited this girl from work over to drink. She'd been over the day before and we played drinking games, so we thought it'd be cool to do again. Her code name will be Cheetah. Now Cheetah happens to call herself a lesbian. Cheetah calls me and tells me some of her friends are coming over. So the guys, three of us, think "yes, girls." They show up, in walks Mouse, Pink Panther and Biker Chick. All work with us, all are lesbians. Now, for maybe the first time in 2 months we've lived here, there are more girls than guys, but the girls are only interested in each other. Fuck it, lets get drunk and maybe they'll make out in front of us.

So we play some games, do some shots, smoke some cheap cigars, you know the routine. Pink Panther shows us her pierced, size D breast, yeah only one is pierced. Not bad. Next thing we know, Cheetah and Biker Chick are locked in the room together. As we all crowd around we hear moans and ass slaps. Pink Panther wants in, she finally makes it into the room but gets dismissed. She gets mad and leaves with Mouse. One guy leaves with them. Now it's down to Cheetah, Biker Chick, Tim and I. Once the two girls are done they come out, we all go into my room and as I play cds, everyone sings along, the girls kiss a bit on my bed. After maybe 40 min of that we decide to go to bed.

Cheetah quickly claims my room for hers, makes me lock the door so Biker Chick can't come in, because I guess she doesn't really like Biker Chick. Yeah, they may be lesbians but they're still girls, cuckoo. Now since it's my room, there's no way in hell I'm giving up my bed for a lesbian. So I lay down and she lays down. She put her head on my chest and hugged me and had her leg on top of me. We start talking about anything and everything, religion, music, girls, movies, and all the while just kind of hugging and feeling up on each other. Next thing I know, while I'm in mid-sentence she kisses me. Hard. We kiss for a bit, then she pulls away and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist." I almost speechless.

After that we talked some more, hugged each other closer and ended up falling asleep like that. It was the best sleep I've had in a long time. It was really nice having someone in bed, even if there was no sex. Actually that's a huge part of why I enjoyed it. I love sex, but it was so refreshing that it wasn't necessary. At no point did I think "let's fuck" and I was drunk. Sex would have ruined the moment. Not to say I wouldn't like to in the near future, but at that point no sex was perfect.


5.09.2005

All I wanted tonight, was a dark, quiet bar with no video poker, does that fucking exist in this town. Could I just sit at the bar and stare into my drink with out having fucking flashing lights and shit in my face? Anyone? Ideas please cuz this bullshit. Look at this picture, it's so fucking bright and happy in there, fuck, how are you supposed to get your drink on?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Then it only get's worse. So I only had one beer there and then left. Tipped big, just in case I come back when I'm in a happy mood. Went to Smith's to buy some cheap cigars, some chips for the salsa at home, and a cheap lawn chair. The fucking cigars are locked up. It's fucking North Las Vegas, how can the fucking cigars be locked up? And then he says I have to go outside, get the chair and bring it back in. Fuck you asshole. So all I got were chips for the salsa. Now I have to drive inebriated to the nearest gas station for some fucking cigars, so I can fucking get drunk in the darkness which is my back yard sitting on my ass with a cheap ass cigar in my mouth eating some damn good chips and salsa. Fuck. Fuck.


5.08.2005

Fuck. I had a lot of shit written, but all it adds up to is Fuck.

Fuck.
Like that character in I Heart Huckabees, I just want to fucking start screaming, swearing at the fucking world. Fuck.

I don't even know what I want anymore. But I know what I can't have.

My only fear of death is comin back, reincarnated
-2Pac


Fuck it.


Hackworth was alone and separate from all humanity, a feeling he had grown up with, like a childhood friend living next door. He had found Gwen by some miracle and lost touch with that old friend for a few years, but now he and solitude were back together, out for a stroll, familiar and comfortable.

Neal Stephenson - The Diamond Age


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The small child in this card is standing on one side of a gate, looking through it. He is so small, and so convinced that he cannot get through, he cannot see that the chain holding the gate is not locked; all he has to do is open it. Whenever we feel 'left out', or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small, helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. The problem is that, because it is so deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape, in our lives. You have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that you are somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognize the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring you the clarity to see how you can open the gate and enter that which you most long to become.

Osho Zen Tarot - The Outsider - 5 of Rainbows (Pentacles)




5.07.2005

Here's a pic of the car I'm thinkin of getting. 2005 Chevy Aveo. I'm not sure if what color I'll go with yet, maybe black.

**update** I just noticed I left the g of of thinking. Wow. I mean, that's how I say it but I'm usually good at spelling. Spellin?

**update again** As I've been typing email's today, I've discovered the problem. the letter g on this remote isn't working the way it should. You have to press harder than any of the other keys. Piece of shit.




5.02.2005

Michelle called me today. She was my first love for those that don't know. She's living with her boyfriend now, and up to two days ago she was pregnant. She called me today, I haven't heard from her in several months. "I'm a mommy now." She gave birth to a baby girl, 3 months ahead of schedule, weighing in at a little above 2 pounds. She had to have a c-section as well. A baby girl named Candice Skye.

She sounded so happy on the phone. So innocent. All she ever wanted in life was someone to lover her unconditionally. She finally has that. It really made me wonder. What if it was me who was still with her, the daddy? There was a time when I really wanted that. What would have happened if I hadn't pushed her away, if we'd tried to work it out? I hope she's happy, I really do. That's all I ever wanted for her. I tried so hard to be there for her, when nobody else was. Sometimes I still wish it had worked out.

She asked me how I was doing and I just said ok. I couldn't put all my shit on her. I've been wanting to talk to her for so long about my breakup. She was the first person I thought about talking to when I found out. Michelle understands me in a way nobody else does. Kelly knows me better and deeper, but there's parts of me that Kelly will never know, because they don't exist anymore. When I got with Michelle, I was in mint condition. Over our relationship she really hurt me, and I closed up areas of myself. When I met Kelly those areas remained closed.

Ha, that means if I was in mint condition with Michelle and she left me in good condition, then Kelly left me even worse off, I'm about at poor condition. That means the next lucky lady will get a bum deal. I'm in the 10 cent comic bin. Hopefully I can find someone who's more into the story than the condition of the book.

I sat on the floor in the casino for awhile while my friends were in the arcade. Just sat there watching people. Sitting all alone. I could of been all alone in the world the way I felt. My friends were on the other side of the wall, and I was texting a couple people, but it still felt shitty. I sent Kelly a text but didn't get a reply, that made me feel even worse. Two songs for today that kept coming to mind:


DMX - Slippin
See to live is to suffer but to survive
well that's to find meaning in the suffering.

Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I gots to get up
Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up!



Akon - Lonely
I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feindin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin and
I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl



Shit, this is turning into a livejournal hell real quick.


5.01.2005

I guess I don't understand the concept of designated driver. It's not the guy who drinks the least, I keep forgetting that part. No seriously I didn't drink much, 3 beers. But still, if I say I'm going to be DD then I should be DD. Great bands tonight. TRIK TURNER I think was the best one. The Cheyenne Saloon wasn't so bad this time. First time I was there the music wasn't very good, just a lot of screaming, this time they actually sang. Plus there are a lot of hot girls there. Actually being there and not drinking kind of depressed me. You see all these people, making out and shit, even the fucking punk songs are about love. Fuck.

4.28.2005

I love zombie movies. George A. Romero's Land of the Dead trailer, check it out. More Leguizamo please.

Also, check out the newest Batman trailer.


Found this animated Kama Sutra over at kottke's, it's kind of funny, so I thought I'd link to the images that I most enjoy.

*not safe for work you perverts*

Las Vegas Style


Who's Your Daddy

I'm In Love Baby

No good pictures of cowgirl. Too bad, that may be my favorite. I guess I've come a long way from high school and doggystyle.

Anyone tried this one? Looks a little dangerous.


4.26.2005

For those of you that know me, or think you know me, or you just discovered this blog and read a few posts, I have a question you need to answer. If I was a cartoon animal, what kind would I be? Oh and please put why I would be that. Thanks buddies! ;p


4.25.2005

I was going to post last night. A very angry post, probably full of things I don't mean and things I wouldn't be able to take back. But I bowled, I gambled, I had time to chill and to calm down. Didn't even need the alcohol I thought I would.

It's hard for me to let it go. If I do, it'll disappear. I'll block it out, forget it, like it never happened. I don't want that to happen. But I have to move on. I'm tired of begging, of saying things that she can just push aside. Tired of hurting myself every time I talk to her. Tired of being who I am and doing the things that I do. It's time to grow the fuck up and get realistic. She was little girl when you met her, now she's a grown woman, and you're still playing the little boy, grow the fuck up. She has bigger things to look forward to. Better things than you. Better things than us.

Let it burn...


4.24.2005

Stole the following from Kelsey's livejournal. Very funny:

RULES FOR LIVING IN LAS VEGAS

1. First, it's pronounced LOSS VAYGUS, NEVA-A-A-DA (not Nev-ah-da.) It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has its own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.

3. All directions start with, "Go down 95...' cause you don't want to get on 15."

4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston Blvd, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end.

5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".

6. The 8:00 am rush hour is 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is 11:30am to 10:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends some time late Sunday night.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue.

8. For the most part, you can do anything you want, as long as it isn't in a school zone.

9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Blvd., Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Desert Inn is Lamb Blvd., Spring Mountain/Sands/Twain are all the same street. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE "parallel” streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of Green Valley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs, ask any middle school Geometry teacher to try to explain it.

11. Rainbow Blvd. has THREE exits from the 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead “Drive" and a Lake Mead "Boulevard" and both run east/west but are 30miles apart. You have to be specific when you say "the corner of Lake Mead and........" Again this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month.

12. The 215 beltway intersects on the north and the south with many of the same streets, such as Jones/215, Decatur/215 and Rainbow/215. You must be specific in your directions or the repairman will end up 25 miles from your house. Ditto for newcomers.

13. Many major roads just end abruptly in somebody's garage, a Home Depot, a Casino or McCarran International Airport Runway and start again after the interruption. That was done to encourage you to "see the sights" and meet new people. For fun, just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis.

14. If moisture at hand is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend.

15. Once a year, when it rains, the Las Vegas Wash and the City of Las Vegas are one.

16. The wind blows every day, and it is impossible to live in Las Vegas without some kind of allergy drug.

17. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it!

18. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd. if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie "Top Gun."

19. And, yes, we all know that man in a teddy and a tiara on Fremont Street. His name is Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.


4.22.2005

I just threw up. That makes 3 times in the last 5 days. 2 because of alcohol. Too bad I'm not so drunk that I won't remember throwing up. It hurt, real bad this time, burned my throat. But I'm still drinking.

"I don't know her but I think you're taking it a lot harder than she is." NO SHIT. Thanks for being there for me Nick, but you don't need to point out the obvious to me. I don't mean to drag you down with my depression, but I really do appreciate you being there for me.

We went to the Freakin' Frog again tonight. Last time I thought it sucked. I guess it made up for it this time. Sure they only had one bottle of the beer I wanted, but the bartender was cool, recommended some decent beers. They have a jukebox on the wall, the kind that lets you download music for an extra credit. I probably spent about $10 on that alone. But one of the coolest things to ever happen to my drunk self. I played Pulp's Common People, when it came one of the girls sitting in the booth next to me ran all the way from the bar back to her booth, "this song is awesome" she screamed at her friends. I was like "That's right baby, you can thank me for this one." She proceeded to sin the entire song. A few songs later, the Lonely Boys track played, all her friends started bouncing to the beat. It felt good, being with people that enjoyed the same music I do. I then proceeded to get fucked up.

Burn by Usher, haha, I remember when that song came out. I think I even wrote about it here. It reminded me of Michelle, a song that I would of played for her. And now, it's just about Kelly, but instead of me playing it, she's playing it to me.

You see it's burnin' for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
Its been a long time comin
but we done been fell apart
I really wanna work it out
But I don't think you're gonna change-e
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurtin' baby, I ain't happy baby
Cuz there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
but you know, gotta let it go
cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn


Peace


4.20.2005

20 shots of tequila! I was doing the math and that's what it came out to. That's how much tequila I had in about an hour and a half at my cousin's party. 20 fucking shots. That's not counting the rum I'm told I drank afterwards. I only remember that first hour and a half, after that complete darkness. Wow, I don't think I've ever drank that much that quick.

I found out the girl that Viviana introduced me to was actually interested in me. But I guess I totally ignored her and had a chugging contest with a family member instead. Way to go buddy. I remember when Viviana described her, "big ass...," didn't really catch the rest, I was hooked at that point. She looked nice though, I'd met her before, years ago and remember liking her then. Who would of thought alcohol would stop me from hooking up. Even the tequila let me down.

Another crazy thing that happened, I got food poisoning. The irony is that I ate at a little street side taco place in Mexico, big fat man cooking the food, dirty apron, cheap ass place and the food was great and I didn't get sick. I come back to Vegas, eat at a regional taco chain, Tacos Mexico, the food sucked and my bowels were reduced to liquid for 2 days. I woke up at 4 am and threw up, woke up every hour after that to hit the can. I've barely eaten anything all week, and when I do, I throw it up. My tongue swelled up and bled, I had a fever, I think I had most of the symptoms for ebola. Finally, I'm back to normal today, I think. This has really been the shittiest week ever, literally and figuratively.

I'll leave you with a song, a Mexican classic. I wonder how many generations of men have cried to this song while drinking tequila? For those who don't know, the Jalisco way is with mariachi and tequila. Music and alcohol, but it doesn't really make you forget. You still feel empty.

Ella por Jose Alfredo Jimenez, (rough translation by me)

Me canse de rogarle me canse de decirle,
que yo sin ella de pena muero,
ya no quiso escucharme si sus labios se abrieron,
fue pa' decirme ya no te quiero.

Yo senti que mi vida se perdia en un abismo profundo
y negro como mi suerte, quise hayar el olvido al estilo Jalisco
pero aquellos mariachis y aquel tequila me hicieron llorar.

Me canse de rogarle. Con el llanto en mis ojos alze mi copa y brinde con ella,
no podia despreciarme era el ultimo brindis de un bohemio con una reina.
los mariachis callaron.

De mi mano sin fuerza cayo mi copa sin darme cuenta
ella quizo quedarse cuando vio mi tristeza
pero ya estaba escrito que aquella noche perdiera su amor.



I got tired of begging, I got tired of telling her
that me with out her, of grief I'd die,
But she wouldn't listen, when her lips moved
it was to say 'I don't love you'.

I felt I was losing my life in an abyss
deep and dark like my luck, I tried to forget, the Jalisco way,
but those mariachis and the tequila made me cry.

I got tired of begging. With the tears in my eyes I raised my glass and toasted with her
she couldn't refuse me the last toast of a bohemian with his queen.
The mariachi stopped

With no streangth left, from my hand my cup fell with out me knowing
she wanted to stay when she saw my saddness
but it was already written that night I would lose her love


If my friends would let me, this song would be on repeat all day long.


4.17.2005

For those who haven't heard, tomorrow is the day the free tickets are available for the Las Vegas Centennial concert with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Weezer. They'll be available at noon pacific time here.


4.16.2005

Made it back, safe and sound. Enjoyed the wedding, my first Catholic wedding experience. Different but interesting. The last time I saw my cousin, about a year ago, he was nursing a broken heart. This time, he was getting married. Gave me hope for my self. Love does exist, I just need to find it.

The party afterwards was cool too. Well, what I remember of it. I bought a bottle of tequila, my plan was to drink it all and drink it quick. And I succeeded. And because of that, I don't remember the last part of the party, but I hear I didn't do anything stupid.

But even that wasn't the best part. I met a woman. She's a friend of the family from what I gathered. She's also in her sixties, so no, what you were thinking is not what happened. As I was drinking myself into oblivion, I kept listening to her conversation with some cousins of mine. She was very smart and very interesting. I joined in and we had a very good conversation about current events. After awhile it was just me and her. I don't even know how I brought it up, but I started telling her about what's going on with Kelly and me. I told her everything, all the details, she listened and asked questions, drawing it all out of me. It felt so good telling her. When I was done she talked, she advised me, she consoled me, she really helped me cope with the pain. She gave me a hug, not the kind you give a stranger, but a grandma hugging her grandson type of hug and I hugged back. I needed that so much. I couldn't believe how much better I felt. When she excused herself because of the time, I thanked her and gave her another hug. "You'll be fine," she said as she left, "I can tell."

I finished the rest of my tequila, not to forget, but to remember. I went over the good times, and the bad ones. I'm a better person for having been with Kelly. Between la señora and la tequila I was able to say my goodbyes to Kelly. It still hurts, and probably will for a long time and I may not understand why it happened, but I do understand that it did happen and I can move on.

Gracias por la ayuda Señora.

Goodbye Kelly




4.14.2005

I'll be in Mexico for the next two days. My cousin is getting married. Part of me doesn't want to go, but he's my best friend, maybe seeing him happy will do me good. I hope I don't ruin it for him. So don't think I'm dead if I don't post for 2 days. But then again my plane could crash and you'll never hear from me again, would you even notice?


One good thing about being single, I can now write about other girls on this blog. I don't know how long of a "grieving" period I'll take, but it won't be long. Too many fish in the sea to not go fishing. I thought I'd put my fishing pole away for good, I thought I'd caught the "big one", but alas it twas not so. I guess my boat sank and she got away. So out of retirement I will come. Now I've got a new and better boat, and I'm taking my fishing pole out of storage. Bait it. Cast it. Now wait for a nibble and yank the bitch out. Hey, you never know, I might catch the same one again, it's happened before. But I may be practicing "catch and release" for awhile, we'll wait and see on that one.


*Oh yeah, for those who care, I started eating again. Had half a muffin for breakfast, and a little salad for lunch. Probably pretzels on the airplane for dinner. I've decided I'm going to start eating a lot less. I used to have seconds on everything, but since I obviously don't need so much, I'm cutting down. Half portions from now on.
Yesterday, for some reason, while I was monitoring a new agent, her voice kind of mesmorized me. She wasn't saying anything sexy, in fact she was talking about access cards and serial numbers. But something in her voice really got to me. Just listening to the sound of her voice, and the way she giggled, I really wanted to know who it was.

So I found out. Hispanic mix (maybe white but I hope not, I'm done with crazy white chicks), tall, long hair, really pretty. Now I just got to get the nerves up to approach her.

I kept thinking, what about her voice got to me. So I had Nick listen in. When I asked him what he thought he said she sounds 13. At first I thought he was kidding, because he was referring to an inside joke we have. It's about something Dr. Drew said on Loveline. When a person gets abused as a child, you can tell by their voice. For example, a 25 year old woman who was raped at 5 sounds like a 5 year old when you close your eyes and listen to her voice.

I would fall for a girl that sounds needy. Every girl I've ever been with has some issue, be it sexual abuse, parental neglect, divorced parents, I've seen them all.

So it comes down to me wanting a girl who needs me. I need to feel indispensable to her, like I'm the only person that can comfort her. I guess I'm not issue free either. Maybe no one is.


4.13.2005

Joshua Ellis wrote this on his blog:

So I’m sitting at the CoffeeBean, and there’s this pretty girl sitting at a table across the way, with her guy. As I was unloading my laptop, I glanced up and saw her give him this look of incredibly sweet warmth – like she was just happy to be sitting there, with him, in the soft warmth of a Nevada spring.

Part of me wished I had someone to look at me that way, of course. But I mostly felt reaffirmed in some small way that, despite whatever horrors humanity can conceive, there’s still room for beautiful young girls in floral-print skirts to sit and fall in love. Something still works, I guess.


I wish I could believe him, because that's the exact thing I wish I had. Maybe if I met a girl that actually liked to wear skirts. That's a long shot I know, but Kelly wouldn't even wear a skirt if I asked her to. I wonder if she would for the other guy.


I wish I wasn't at fault this time, I wish I'd never fucked up. If I was innocent in this I'd be able to retaliate. To hate. To lash out with all I've got. To fight back and hurt as much as I can. To burn whatever I can, so there's nothing left.

Last night I was rounding up all her things, all her presents, letters, anything that reminded me of her. Her paintings, pottery, drawings, clothes, pictures, books, and anything else I could find. I was going to take it to her mom's, but as I'm looking at it, all layed out in front of me, I just wanted to break it. To tear it all up. To make it not exist. To make the memories stop hurting me. But they mean so much to me, it's all I have left. I hate myself for wanting to destroy them.

Fuck this.

4.12.2005

I caved and ate, my sister made some mole, and I had to have some. Kind of ironic though, I kind of considered that Kelly and I's dish. It was good but I think I'm about to throw up. I just had a little bit, and my stomach is flip flopping.

Well, The Shield is on tv, I think I might be able to sit through that, I tried yesterday but ended up going out for a walk instead.


I'm sitting at work, I have about 15 minutes before I get off, that's 15 minutes of doing nothing. Jordan invited me over for a drink, but I don't know if I'm ready to start drinking. I'd probably break down really bad with alcohol in my system, even though it sounds like such a good idea. I should probably try to get some sleep, haven't had much. Maybe food, but my stomach rolls just at the thought. I've only had an apple and a piece of toast to eat for the last 2 days. That can't be good. Lots of water though, red bulls and coffee. I have a running bet with Nick that he'll start smoking again before I start eating, ha, we'll see how that turns out. I kind of understand those people that do the self imposed hunger strikes, if you are really adamant about the cause, you don't feel the hunger. Anyways, that's my opinion 2 days in, not that I'm on a hunger strike, I'm just not hungry. Plus I could lose some weight. Gotta look good again, like P. Diddy said, "Girls are like busses, if you miss one there's another one in 15 minutes." Well, I'm definitely in the anger stage. I was still in denial this morning, but now I'm just angry. That leaves what, 2 stages including depression before I reach acceptance? Good times. Kelsey left me a message, that made me feel good. Hopefully we can talk sometime soon. Well, it's time to go. I have my sister's Jetta, which can easily do 150mph. I can listen to Akon's 'Mr. Lonely' while flying down the highway, see if the tears impair my driving. Catch you later.


In tomorrow I see no promise
and yesterday was like today



You live and you learn and you enjoy life, and sometimes you get a chance to do it with that one person. More than a friend, more than a lover, deeper than anything either one of you has experienced before. Every breathing moment, you're on each other's mind. Being together multiplies the experience by a thousand. The good times are better with each other. The bad times are that much worse. Enjoy it while it lasts, because all good things come to an end. Something I've learned in this short life, but you can count on it. You can cheat death, evade taxes, but you can't escape a broken heart.

The End


4.11.2005

I walked to Starbucks, walked because my car broke down. When it rains it really pours on me. Anyways, on the way there I remembered Jana works there. I wanted to see her. I want to talk to her. As I walked I had a hundred different conversations with her in my head. I hurt her. Bad. For no reason other than because I could. She was there, she made me a chai, but I chickened out. Maybe tomorrow. I just want to ask her about me. Before things went to hell she knew who I was. Maybe she can give me some insight into why I keep fucking things up.

Thinking about Jana made me think about Nicole. Our last night together sticks out in my mind. We were at Bill's apartment. Bill was a 50 year old gay man who used to invite teens over to drink, yeah, weird but it was free alcohol. We were standing on the balcony. We'd been talking about little things, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes, "Do you want to be with Michelle or me? Pick."

I chose Michelle, why I don't know. Nicole laid in my arms the rest of night, crying. In the morning she gave me kiss, looked at me and said, "We could of been great together." and walked out of my life. Why did I choose Michelle. She wasn't smarter, or prettier, nothing about Michelle made her the logical choice. But I thought I was in love. That's probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. We could have been great together.

And speaking of the ever present Michelle. I was moving to Las Vegas, city of sin, the big city for a country boy like me. 2 months before I left Wyoming I asked Michelle out. We should of known it wouldn't work. I was 19, she was 16. Our first real relationship. My first love, my first betrayal, my first broken heart.

I read the following before I met Michelle. It's from a book called The Mars Venus Affair. Horoscopes based on Mars and Venus which have an effect on your love life. My sun sign is Pisces and so are my Mars and Venus. I'm a total Pisces. A dreamer.

You are in pursuit of a dream, and by no means is it a peaceful dream. You fantasize about extraordinary passions, extreme emotions, and romantic insanity. The search for this dream often makes you agitated and restless. You blow through people's lives like a hurricane, leaving a path of shattered hearts and broken promises. You long for stability and commitment, but only the relationship of your dreams will satisfy you. All other relationships are expendable.
If you are lucky enough to find your dream early in life, then you have a wonderful capacity for living happily ever after. If you don't, then the situation can get out of control. Physical sex is always less important to you than emotional security, but your emotional needs are so intense that you often don't take time to notice the difference. Any kind of emotional release--even the most casual or callous--can sustain you for awhile. When your dream seems distant and unattainable, you are all to willing to settle for these short-term fixes.


I wonder if this became a self fulfilling prophecy. It seems right on with my life up to now. I wonder if I can break the cycle or if I'll ever find my dream.

I think I'm past the shock and denial stage. I sat in front of Starbucks and thought about all this, and it helped lift the weight on my chest. Kelly isn't the first, probably won't be the last. But I wish she had been.

So like the fish, it's time for me to swim on, to better waters.


Work is fucking dragging on. I can't stand it. All the fucking happy people, hugging and kissing. Everywhere you look you see a couple, fuck them. I wonder how long I'll keep this job if I take an early out.

Tim asked me how I got over Michelle last time this happened. I guess I wallowed in self hate for a few months until I started seeing Kelly. Kind of lifted me out of my shit hole. Only to send me back. Yeah, I think I'll take an early out. Go get a beer with Nick. Maybe meet someone new, there's no reason to wait for months.

In the song Fuck You Lucy, Slug mentions that she should get a tattoo, the word WARNING, so guys have the choice to not get involved. Maybe I should get that tattoo. When ever I get my heart broken it's because I broke her's first. No excuse if they see the warning. Sounds like a good idea.


I guess I did finally fall asleep, got maybe 3 hours total. Found some cds with good fuck you music. Some ICP and Eminem. It's hate music that makes me feel good right now. I had Uncle Kracker playing for a bit, but I got all teary eyed and shit, so I dropped Another Love Song by ICP in instead. Followed by Fuck the World.

I was driving around last night, before I found out. Just me and the city. I cruised the strip, downtown, and the freeway. It's ironic, at the time I was thinking how the lights reminded me of her. Neon. With out it Vegas is just another hole in the desert. Well, the lights just went out.

Ha, god I'm being dramatic. That's me for you. I'll be fine, always am.


I can't sleep. I laid in bed for what seemed like hours only to find out it was barely 55 minutes. I keep thinking of about the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If I could, would I erase her? Those memories didn't keep her from doing what she did, so of what use are they. If only there was a big delete button. But there's not, so instead I'm gonna finish my drink, and have another while you think about how you used to be my lover.

You really fucked me Kim
You really did a number on me
Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me
But we was kids then Kim, I was only 18
That was years ago
I thought we wiped the slate clean
That's fucked up!
Eminem - Kim



I'm trembling almost too much to type. I want to scream, hit something, hurt someone, anything but just sit here. It finally happened. She slept with someone else. It was only a matter of time. And I actually thought I'd found the one this time. The One. But I was wrong, she's just another girl. Just another name on a list. A memory. A deleted scene.

getting in a million memories just to forget her
the difficulty in keeping emotions controlled
cookies for the road
took me by the soul
hunger for the drama
hunger for the nurture
gonna take it further
the hurt feels like murder
interperate
the eyes
read the lines on her face
the sunshine is fake
how much time did i waste?
Fuck you lucy for leaving me
Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
because i still love you
no, im not ok
and i dont know what to do
Atmosphere - Fuck You Lucy


I fucked up and she gave me another chance. I guess that makes her a better person because she's not getting another chance. Doesn't even sound like she'd like one. But by giving me another chance it gave her the ability to fuck me over. Smart move. I guess we're even now. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

So much for sleeping tonight.

I just want to be so mean to her right now, all these names I could call her, but it's not worth it. Maybe I'll post the email she sent to her friend describing in detail her transgressions. Maybe I will.

I guess we know now why she hasn't been calling me every night like she used to. She's been to busy making out with him. I hope he enjoys the hookah I bought you.

It's my fault, I understand that. But for you to throw our friendship away like that. I don't understand that. All those things you said you wanted to do with me. Like traveling, we were going to start this summer. Fuck you. Fuck you for ruining it. Fuck you for pretending. Fuck you.


4.10.2005

Felt shitty when I woke up so I called in to work. Went to the Meadows mall to buy a dress shirt and tie and I ended up having lunch there. What a shitty little food court. I went with the ManchuWok and it was the worst Panda Express imitation I've ever had. It was so damn dry, and the rice wasn't sticky. I think it made me feel even worse because I came home and fell asleep for most of the day. I feel like a salad now. Something that's actually good for my body, unlike rum, coke, pizza, and shitty Chinese. Some of my mom's posole would be perfect.


This is fucking boring. Pizza was good, rum is good, but I'm bored out of my mind. I guess I could play Xbox, but that sounds boring too. My Ipod is out of juice and I don't have the power connector here. I'm on my roommates's computer and he has shit for music. I have four cd's, none of them that good. Fuck. Neon's ignored me for a week, but she doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, so fuck that. I think I need more rum, so my inner monkey will come out and keep me company. Or a fucking life would be nice too. But all I have is rum so rum it is. Fuck, I have to work tomorrow.

PS: I got rid of the title's, coming up with catchy or relevant titles is a bitch.


Oregon Trail

I remember when I was in fourth grade, we used to play Oregon Trail during recess or after school. I remember having a hard time finishing the game, and if I did I was the lowest rank possible. This game was so fun, my entire class lived to play it. I tried it about a week ago. It took me about 10 minutes to beat it, nobody in my party died, food was never in short supply, and overall the game was pretty boring. Too bad.


4.09.2005

Pizza and Rum

Could have gone to the bar, or to a coworker's party, but I'm not in the mood, instead I got a large pepperoni, mushroom and green pepper pizza, a bottle of rum, and twelve of Coke.

I'm online thanks to one of my new neighbors who left his wireless network open for public use. Seems I won't have to pay the $50 a month to Cox.

I had to go to Smiths to buy some glasses so I could mix my rum and Coke. The cashier made a great comment, "You can't have girls over with out glasses." Oh so true.

More too come as I fade into oblivion...


4.08.2005

Eight Legged Freaks

Woke up, got up, near eleven o'clock
butt naked except I was wearing my socks
and that's cool, 'cause most the time this floor is cold
stand up and stretch look around this mess
my place has been a cage since she left me
make my way to the kitchen, start the coffee
then dip to the bathroom, begin the triple-s
and wash the previous evening off me
now out the shower, get dry, shove a q-tip in my ear
well, what do we have here?
it appears as if a piece of me has got motivation
ain't nothin' wrong with a little morning masturbation
-Atmosphere - Like Today


After all that, I walked back into my bedroom and grabbed some pants off the floor. They were clean, I just moved into the house and haven't put stuff into my closet yet. Anyways, I start to put them on, just like everyone else, one leg at a time, when I see this fucking huge ass spider fall out. I kicked those pants off like they were on fire. Ugly, the spider (yes I named it), takes off towards my bed. I'm hopping around in my underwear, goosebumps all over. Ugly pauses right under my bed. I grab a shoe, Adidas, size 12, old school spider stomping gear. I calm down now that I'm armed. I creep forward, Ugly skitters under my bed out of sight. I drop down and see him over near the wall so I pull my bed out. There's Ugly, up against the baseboard, skurrd. Mighty Adidas whistles through the air and splats down upon Ugly. "Ya bitch," I say. I lift the shoe and Ugly moves towards me. "What the fuck!" Splat! Splat! Splat! Finally the little motherfucker stopped moving, or so I thought. I scooped him up into a basket and showed my roommate. Then I went to check my email and he took Ugly outside and it turns out the bastard was still alive up to that point. 240lbs of Tim ended Ugly's life for good. He was a strong little fucker, and for that I salute you, Ugly The Spider.


4.03.2005

New Beginnings

I'm finally moved into the new house. Well, mostly moved in, still have a few boxes of crap left at my sisters, but most of it is probably crap that I'll end up throwing out. I've been a pack rat the last few years and need to shed some of the baggage.

It's going to take some getting used to the new neighborhood. I've been living on the West side for about 4 years now, Spring Valley and Summerlin. The new house is in the North. Technically it's in North Las Vegas by a block, but the area is nice and seems safe. Only real bad thing so far is the long drive to work or anywhere else. I'll get over it though.


3.31.2005

Cooler Lounge

Nick and I hit up the Cooler Lounge tonight after work. The only reason I wanted to go is because is because there was a burlesque show there tonight which I heard about on Las Vegas Hidden. Babes in Sin had a show tonight along with punk band Reno Divorce. The burlesque show was kind of lame. Ok it was totally lame. Not what I expected at all. Only two girls danced, they were cute but the dancing left a lot to be desired, so did the music and costumes. The band wasn't too bad. Sounded a little like Pennywise. I couldn't really make out what they were saying but I have that problem with punk music, but Nick seemed to like them

The Cooler Lounge has Fat Tire for $3.25, a little steep but Fat Tire is delicious. Overall the place isn't bad, a little small, punkish looking but fun, a very cute and flirtatious bartender. Blond, great ass, great cleavage, knows how to mix a drink, what else can you ask for?

Blue Angel from Babes in Sin



3.27.2005

Ice House Lounge Review

I checked out the Ice House Lounge last night with a co-worker. I've heard a lot about the place, all of it good, but I was really disappointed with it. First time I heard about the Ice House, I imagined that bar from a James Bond movie where everything is made of ice. I knew this was to much to expect but that would have been cool.
We show up around 10:30 pm on a Saturday night and take a seat at the bar. I look around the joint, then look at the bartender, "Where's the ice?" So the entire building isn't made of ice, I understand that, but I expect some ice. Maybe a frozen water fall in a corner, or a table made out of ice, is that too much to ask. Even some big blocks of ice scattered around would have been nice. Nope, all they have is a piece of ice embedded in one side of the bar, which is supposed to keep your drinks cold but only on that side of the bar. The other three sides have poker machines. That was it for the ice.
They do have some cool furniture but the walls need a paint job, the bathroom is full of nail holes that need covering up, it's too bright for a lounge, I don't even remember what kind of music was playing but it wasn't that good, and the bar is a little small.
They do have Fat Tire beer but even that isn't so rare in Las Vegas like it used to be. Most places have it. I had two but one of the glasses must of been dirty or soapy because it tasted like shit.
Very disappointing, the only way I'll go back is maybe for some special event, like a band or a party or something interesting. To many other cool places around town to drink at.

3.13.2005

Happy Birthday To Me

I'm 24 today, by my calculations I'm about a third of the way dead, give or take a heart attack or two. That sucks.

2.27.2005

Breaking the Law

I'm at work at the moment. Probably shouldn't be online since I could get fired, but what the hell. So some updates on my life at the moment:

1. My grandma is finally in the process of buying a house. We tried for this cool condo a couple weeks ago but the deal fell apart. Now we found a house, not a bad one but it's kind of far up north, but oh well. I'll finally be out of my parents house and back on my own. How I miss my solo days. Move in day around April 1st.

2. Bought plane tickets and reserved rooms in Chicago for May 20 - 24, for Neon and I. Our first vacation together. I can't wait. We've both wanted to visit Chicago for a long time, her for the Art Institute and me for the sports and just for the experience. Hopefully I'll get to check out the Cubs while I'm there. Good times coming.

3. Enjoyed Constantine. I agree that a different actor could have put more emotion in to the part compared to what Keaneu(?) did, but overall I liked the movie. I really like movies that revolve around Catholic dogma, demons and angels, and religion in general.

More to come if I can think of any, plus I better get off the net.

I Love The Food Network

I think these were left out of the show that actually aired. Unfortunate, it really is.
I wonder what else she can do in 30 Minutes.





.

2.13.2005

Lady of the Night


nite_9
Uploaded by neon1.

Strippers taking over Kansas City?
Or art students gone crazy?
Check out Neon's photo's and decide for yourself.

2.10.2005

Gmail Invites

Everyone probably has a gmail account who wants one, but I have 50 invites available, if you want one leave a comment and you'll get it.

update: Leave an email or just send me one at *email deleted*

2.08.2005

Bye Bye Mapquest

It's time to say goodbye to Mapquest. Google Maps has taken over and they're still in beta. But hell, all the good things these days are in beta. Google wins just because it looks better, and online that's a big deal. It's also quicker to display, it's interactive in that you can drag with your mouse, you don't have to wait for the graphics to load, and searching is easier, one box for everything.

Within 10 years, google will take over the world, mark my words. Not Microsoft, not Walmart, and not Starbucks, google is the one to fear.

Smallville (spoilers)

I caught up on the last couple Smallville episodes today. The episode Unsafe was awesome. Clark Kent runs off to Vegas with Alicia, the hot teleporting chick who tried to kill Lana last year, gets married, and almost loses his virginity in a hotel room that is totally Vegas (leapord skin, white tiger statue, velvet, Elvis singing in the background).



Meanwhile, back in Smallville, Lana decides she wants to lose her virginity but ends up not, so at the end everyone, (except Chloe who I guess had a fling in Metropolis awhile back), is still a virgin. Also, to show her love and loyalty to Clark, Alicia teleports in front of Clark and takes a bullet meant for him. That's love folks. She lives but their relationship will never be the same since she drugged him with red kryptonite and blah blah blah. Plus, unfortunately she dies in the next episode. Too bad, she was a much better girl for Clark than Lois or Lana. Oh well, Clark will lose his virginity some day. Check out these hot lines from the show.

Clark and Alicia about to do it:

Alicia: I want this to last forever.
Clark: I'm not sure that's one of my abilities, but I'll do my best.


Alicia interrupting Clark:

Alicia: It's just...we don't have any kind of commitment or anything
Clark: Oh...baby, no one is more committed to making this happen than me.



2.01.2005

Immortal Technique

Go to mperia and check out Immortal Technique. This is hardcore rap, none of that bullshit pop hop on the radio. My ipod needed some new blood and this is perfect. Just check out these lyrics:

Now here's the truth about the system that'll fuck up your mind
They gave Al Queda 6 billion dollars in 1989 to 1992
And now the last chapters of Revelations are coming true
And I know a lot of people find it hard to swallow this
Because subliminal bigotry makes you hate my politics
But you act like America wouldn't destroy two buildings
In a country that was sponsoring bombs dropped on our children
I was watching the Towers, and though I wasn't the closest
I saw them crumble to the Earth like they was full of explosives
And they thought nobody noticed the news report that they did
About the bombs planted on the George Washington bridge
Four Non-Arabs arrested during the emergency
And then it disappeared from the news permanently
They dubbed a tape of Osama, and they said it was proof
"Jealous of our freedom," I can't believe you bought that excuse
Rockin a motherfucking flag don't make you a hero
Word to Ground Zero
The Devil crept into Heaven, God overslept on the 7th
The New World Order was born on September 11

-- Cause of Death - Immortal Technique


Thanks to Zenarchery for giving the heads up on this guy.
I love Jim Mahfood's illustrations:



more at Orange Futon.

1.26.2005

The Sweetness

pepperoni pizza
Uploaded by Freon.

One of the oddest moments I experienced in Kansas City was when Neon and I walked into a Pizza Parlor, Joe's Pizza I believe it was, over in Westport. We ordered our slices and sat down to eat. They had Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper at the table, and I liberally sprinkled the red pepper like I always do. Now here's where things got out of wack. Sitting right there, next to the your basic pizza condiments, sat a little bear full of honey. That's right, honey. We kind of looked at each other with a WTF look. Maybe they serve breakfast or some kind of dessert I thought to myself. It couldn't possibly be for the pizza, right? People in Missouri couldn't be that fucked up, or could they? I finally had to stand up and ask?

I went to the counter and asked the hippy looking college student,"What's the honey for?"
"People put it on their pizza," he answered, he may have thrown in a dude or man at the end.

I almost screamed and ran out of the place, instead I sat back down. My mind going into overload. Honey, on pizza? No, please say it ain't so? Why God, why? My world was about to crash, so I grabbed the honey and poured it onto my pepperoni and crushed red pepper pizza. I looked out the window and everything seemed normal, maybe this wasn't going against the natural order of things. Maybe, just maybe, honey on pizza would be ok. I took a bite and tasted the sweet golden honey mixing in with the hot bite from the pepper and it was divine. Why, in 23 years of professional pizza eating, I'd never heard of this before only God knows, but it's excellent. Delicious. Spread the word.

1.25.2005

Holy Starbucks Batman!

In my little 5 sq mile area of Las Vegas, there are 19 fucking Starbucks. Nineteen. That's crazy, why the hell are there so many? They can't all possibly be doing good business, or can they? Damn it, they're taking over the world, and nobody cares. Latte anyone? Check out you're area.

1.23.2005

Come Fly With Me

Arrived back in Vegas last night around 10pm. My plane was delayed making me 2 hours late, but that just gave me 2 extra hours to hang out with Neon so not a problem.

The flight itself was actually pretty entertaining. Because of the delay some of my fellow passengers spent their waiting time in the bar. When they got on the plane they were already well on the way to being fucked up. It was hilarious watching the flight crew try to keep them under control. But, if you can't beat them join them, advice the crew took to heart. One of the attendants, the head guy by looks of things, actually sat down with the group and chatted with them for about 40 minutes. But that's not the best part.

When we first got on, there was a women, probabely in her late 30's, sitting alone. The drunk guys, late 40's, sat right behind her and started chatting her up almost instantly. At first she seemed kind of annoyed by them and a little standoffish. They offered her free drinks, and eventually asked her to sit with them, which she accepted. She sat inbetween them and had her free drinks. By the end of the flight she was making out with one of the guys and making plans to meet up with them later.

I couldn't believe how quick she turned from a cold bitch to slut. A slut because she had a boyfriend who she was meeting in Vegas. One of their favorite phrases during the flight, which she kept repeating, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Ok, let's say that's true, it obviously made her feel better about herself saying it so much,but she wasn't even in Vegas yet. The flight into Vegas doesn't count you whore. If you're going to be a slut, at least have the common decency to do it in Vegas with everyone else. You're paying good money to do it in Vegas, if you're just going to do it on the plane then fly to Fargo, it's a lot cheaper. Slut.

Quite entertaining. A little jealous I admit. I wanted to fly the friendly skies too.

1.18.2005

Free, Like the Wind

Neon and I watched House of Flying Daggers last night. ***spoilers***



It wasn't a bad movie but it didn't live up to my expectations, even though I enjoyed it and will probably own it. It had beautiful costumes, great vistas, and kickass fighting, but that should all be secondary to a great story, which unfortunately this does not have.

The backstory of the movies involves a secret faction called The House of the Flying Daggers. They have risen up to fight the tyrannical government officials. Two police officers, Leo and Jin, are given the task of killing the new leader of the Flying Daggers. They hear a rumor that a new dancer at the local brothel is actually a member and they decide to arrest her. After doing so they hatch a plan to have Jin break her free and have her take him back to the Flying Daggers headquarters. On the way, Jin and the dancer, Mei, fall in love. A little too predictable.

Doesn't sound like a bad plot and it's not, but the movie doesn't do a good job with it. It jumps around a lot, has twists that don't make sense, the backstory isn't developed enough that they could have left it out and nobody would have cared. The characters don't get developed enough either. When they die, I didn't care enough about them to be moved. Storywise this movie failed.

I pretty much felt the same after I watched Warriors of Heaven and Earth. Great cinematography, fighting, costumes, but lacking in story. Neither one made me care about the characters like Hero and Crouching... did.

Bottom line: good but not great.

1.14.2005

Ay! Cabron*

I'm in Kansas City today, visiting Neon. She told me to bring warm clothes because of the cold, and I know all about being cold, I grew up in Wyoming, but the problem is I now live in Las Vegas. I brought my warm clothes, but what passes as warm clothes in Las Vegas ain't gonna do shit for you in a real winter. Way to fucking cold here, unless you have fur on your nuts.**

at: 8:54 pm CST
Currently:
11°
sky: fair (night)
Fair
High:20°
Low:5°
Feels Like: -2°


*Here they say 'burr', in Mexico we say 'ay, cabron' which loosely translated means 'fuck'. Fuck!
**Lewis Black joke.

1.11.2005

Old Men Are Great

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. Whiting admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


1.10.2005

Crash and Burn

My sister's computer died a few days ago. I woke up and it was dead. I tried CPR but the bitch wouldn't reboot.(And yes, computers are females, and this one is a bitch. Something about computers taking on their owner's personalities or something.) I usually beat the computer into submission and have never had to call tech support, but this whore would not budge. So I called Dell support, waited less than 10 minutes, spent about 10 minutes talking to an Indian lady, judging by the accent. She seemed kind of lost on what the problem was so she skipped to replacing it which was fine by me.

Two days later, a fat tech showed up at my house, slapped a new hard drive into the bitch, rebooted and left. Gave me the sage advice that if I needed help, to call Dell. Thanks for nothing asshole, I could of done that much. Of course whatever he did didn't work. Computer was frozen. I ended up calling Dell again, speaking with a nice but slow as hell Indian fellow. "Please....type...M...as in Mary........ok, then...O as...in Oscar...." Damn dude, spit it out. He got me as far as formatting the drive and I took it from there. My first technical support experience and it wasn't that bad. I expected to spend weeks on the phone trying to draw blood from a stone. Thumbs up Dell, you expensive bastards.

1.04.2005

Rise and Fall

A cool quote I heard on TV. It was a broadcast of a lecture at UNLV on Islam. I didn't catch the name of the speaker or the actual quote, but this is close enough. It really made me think:
The rise of Christianity happened when they strayed from the Bible, the fall of Islam happened when they strayed from the Koran.


1.03.2005

Boondocks



Resolutions

To make resolutions for the new year or to not? What a conundrum. On one side, I make a decision to better myself, to grow as a person, to expand my interests. On the other hand, I say fuck it and go to sleep. Hmm, after 23 years of saying fuck it, who am to mess with tradition?

But alas, I'm a glutton for pain and discomfort. So I'll bite the bullet and make some resolutions for this coming year. I'm sure I can do it if I try but, well, we'll see if I try.

I couldn't think of what to do so I stole some ideas from Palinchron and that jogged my imagination and I came up with a few of my own.

  • Read 24 books, 12 of which must be non-fiction, and of the fiction only 6 can be fantasy or scifi
  • Do 10,000 situps, about 30 a day, starting tomorrow should be easy enough.
  • Start eating healthier, more veggies less pastries.
  • No more soda. Hahaha. That's a funny one. No seriously, the Pepsi I just had will be the last. Water from now on.
  • Watch more samurai movies. Hey I need some fun.
  • Be a better friend. Call people back, show up when I say I will, quit taking them for granted.
  • Build myself a computer. I built one for a friend but I want my own now.
  • Reach lvl 60 with one character in World of Warcraft.
  • Move out. This is a maybe, I'm not too sure I want to but if things go as they have been I need to get the fuck out of here. Either get a new roommate or live alone.
  • Write a comic, a good one.

Nice lofty goals, goals I can be proud of. I think we all know I'm kidding myself but maybe, just maybe.

Another One Bites The Dust

One more year, gone, game over, adios motherfucker. God, that sounds depressing.

In retrospect, it was an average year. A rollercoaster ride now that I think of it. Best part: Cancun - 2nd time to paradise, and even my family couldn't ruin it. A man could be happy here.

Cancun 028
Uploaded by Freon.


I traveled quite a bit, Cancun, Kansas City, Chihuahua, Huntington Beach. Not bad, but no where near the amount I wish I'd traveled.

Good year in books. I finished Stephen King's Dark Tower masterpiece. I caught up on George R. R. Martin's fantasy epic Song of Ice and Fire. The Da Vinci Code, Jennifer Government, Quicksilver. All excellent.

Great movies: Sideways, The Passion of the Christ, Shaun of the Dead, The Girl Next Door, Garden State, Baadasssss!, Irresistible, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and too many more that I can't remember.

I got a new job, more money, that's always good. I got drunk a lot, can't complain about that. Got a new car, but then gave it back to my dad, waste of money in my opinion.

Opened the year on the Las Vegas Strip and closed it there as well. Last time though. I would much rather be at home watching New Year's celebrations from around the world on TV. Though this time around, I actually enjoyed the fireworks on the strip. All in perfect synch.

Filled up over half my iPod. That's not good. I'll need a new one before the year is over.

Yup, a good year. A good year, but thankfully it's over

12.18.2004

If I Could Change I Would

Ate one more piece of chicken, had my last beer. Never touched the Gin, no need to get completely wasted tonight. There's always tomorrow for that, gotta save it for when I really need it.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

- Linkin Park


12.17.2004

Longing for what used to be...

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In the dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenier
Just to prove the world was here...
And here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.

-Goldfinger



and that's when I saw her, sippin' on water
I wanna kiss her mom just for having this daughter
excuse me miss, I don't mean to come across strong
but I've been waitin' a while and you've been taking too long
and she smiled and I began to blush
she asked if I'd like to go to the bathroom and make some love
and I got visions of us, and the mirror getting steamed
and that's the very moment I woke up from the dream

-Atmosphere



When we were young the future was so bright
The old neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big and not be beat

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

-The Offspring



How long before I pass out, I wonder?

One More Time With Feeling...

TV got boring, so now i'm just listening to music. Drinking while my parents are here is a first, but no problem. Here's some of the stuff I'm listening to:

Don't leave me all alone
Just drop me off at home
I'll be fine, it's not the first
Just like last time, but a little worse

And she said that I'm not the one that she thinks about and
She said it stopped being fun, I just bring her down
I said "don't let your future be destroyed by my past"
She said "don't let my door hit your ass"

-Blink 182


My drinking buddy called me. Got all ready to go over there and get smashed but then I realized he has no alcohol. What use is a drinking buddy who has nothing to drink? Fucking useless. So I'll be here for the next few hours, listening to music, drinking Fat Tire beer and Seagram's Gin. Good Times!

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.
End is the only part of the word
That I heard.
Call me morbid or absurd.
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.

-Cake

Friday Night

It's Friday night, my day off. I'm sitting at the computer, alone, eating a piece of chicken, having a beer, watching Ace Ventura on TV. Not exactly what I planned for, but hell, never really get what I plan. What I want. What I dream. See, I'm a Picses, a dreamer, I swim up in the clouds, imagining, dreaming, living. In my mind it seems so real. Then I fall back to earth, to reality, cold and alone. Good times.

Heard this song on VH1. Haven't heard it in a long time, but it's great. More dreams, will I never learn?

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here
Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy
I need love
I need love

-LL Cool J

12.07.2004

Hey Lover

I went to the bookstore tonight. I wanted a white chocolate mocha and I wanted to read, so that's the perfect place. I looked at a travel guide to Cuba. I really want to go there even though it will most likely be illegally because of the double standard the US holds towards Cuba. Then I sat in a sofa chair and read A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin. Excellent book and series by the way. Dare I say better than Robert Jordan's? Aye, I believe so.

As I sat there and read I also looked up and watched my fellow patrons. Some browsed, some read, and other just chatted with each other. One particular girl really caught my eye. The way she was dressed was so appealing to me. She had on grey dress pants, most likely mens by the cut of the pockets. They were baggy and hung low on her hips. She had two long sleeve shirts, tight, low cut. I really like this style, where two different colored shirts are layered and the top one is shorter than the bottom one. She also had a scarf on and a cool wool jacket and short black hair. Not the most beautiful girl I've ever seen but something about her really got to me. And she was in the fantasy/sci-fi section. Then her boyfriend, or some guy I'm just assuming is her boyfriend, came up behind her and put his hands around her waist. Kind of killed my moment. LL Cool J's Hey Lover played in my head:

Last week I saw ya at the mall

standing at the pay phone bout to make a call
I had a vision it was me on the other end
telling you come by and then you walked in
I touched you gently with my hands
we talked about traveling the distant lands
escaping all the madness out here in the world
becomin my wife no longer my girl
then, you let your dress fall down to the floor
i kissed you softly and you yearned for more
we experienced pleasure unparallel
into an ocean of love we both fell
swimming in the timeless, currents of pure bliss
fantasies interchanging with each kiss
undying passion unities our souls
togehter we swim until the point of no control
but its a fantasy it(that,you) won't come true
we never even spoke and your man (still) love you
so I'm gonna keep all these feelins inside
keep my dreams alive until the right time

Rosario The Great

I watched Alexander a few days ago. It's pretty bad. It's sad that the only good thing about the movie is the beautiful naked body of Rosario Dawson. Wow. After almost falling asleep during Colin Farrel's monologues, her fight/sex scene really woke me up. Alas it was over much to quick, but its memory will remain forever. Anyways, the movie was boring. Right up there with Troy. Crap. Gay, bi, straight, I don't really care which team Alexander played for. But that's all the movie was about. Fucking his best friend isn't what made him Great. Mention it, show it, then move the fuck on to the conquering. And Colin Farrel, come on now. If you want Alexander to be blonde then get a blond actor. Don't put Colin in a blonde wig and let his black beard show, it makes him look...stupid. I was going to say gay(not in a sexual way), but maybe that's what they were going for.

Final word...this movie was bad. Cool vistas, great costumes (actually the Persians looked fucking cool), awesome use of a harem (more movies should have them), it's good to be King, but in the end the story was shit, the acting was lackluster, and highly dissapointing. Since I couldn't find screencaps I leave you with this: sweet Rosario




12.03.2004

11.23.2004

Binion Trial: Part 2

LA Times:

A jury on Tuesday found an ex-stripper and her former lover not guilty of drugging and killing Las Vegas casino heir Ted Binion.

Sandy Murphy and Rick Tabish were acquitted on three counts — including murder and robbery — after 18 hours of deliberations over four days by a Clark County jury. Both were found guilty of conspiracy, grand larceny and burglary.


Neon mentioned it and it's true, only in Las Vegas. It's just like a CSI episode. And why is her being an ex-stripper important. It's mentioned everywhere. They can't refer to her without saying she was an ex-stripper. Well anyways, the former exotic dancer will probably still serve some jail time for the burglary and grand larceny.

Watch Sandy cry during the reading of verdict here.



sandymurphy
Uploaded by Freon.


Updated Album List

Here's an updated list of the albums I've downloaded this year. I failed at the one per week goal but only because I would forget or put it aside for later. I've definitely downloaded more than 52, these are just the best, with more to come one a week (hopefully). The bold one's are my top 10.

52 Albums in 52 Weeks
Week Album Artist
47 Love Angel Music Baby Gwen Stefani
46 Has Been William Shatner
45 Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) The Wu-Tang Clan
44 72 and Sunny Uncle Cracker
43 Ocean Avenue Yellowcard
42 Sublime Sublime
41 Around the Sun REM
40 Music by Cavelight Blockhead
39 Cee-Lo Green Is the Soul Machine Cee-Lo
38 No Roots Faithless
37 American Idiot Green Day
36 Joyful Rebellion K-Os
35 White People Handsome Boy Modeling School
34 Rules of Enragement Lewis Black
33 If You Can Believe Your Eyes and Ears The Mamas & the Papas
32 Good News For People Who Love Bad News Modest Mouse
31 Americana The Offspring
30 It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back Public Enemy
29 Blink 182 Blink 182
28 Sing the Sorrow AFI
27 The Low End Theory A Tribe Called Quest
26 Greatest Hits 93-03 311
25 To The 5 Boroughs The Beastie Boys
24 Hot Fuss The Killers
23 Diva Series Nina Simone
22 American IV: The Man Comes Around Johnny Cash
21 Pisces Iscariot Smashing Pumpkins
20 Confessions Usher
19 Kill Bill: Vol 1 Various
18 Love Songs Barry White
17 Billy Breathes Phish
16 Songs About Jane Maroon 5
15 Atlas Kinky
14 Life for Rent Dido
13 Musicology Prince
12 Boy In Da Corner Dizzee Rascal
11 Lost in Translation OST Various
10 Steal This Double Album The Coup
9 Personal Journals Sage Francis
8 Sonador Adan Sanchez
7 Cartel de Santa Cartel de Santa
6 The Grey Album Danger Mouse
5 Lo que te conte mientras te hacias la dormida La oreja de Van Gogh
4 God Loves Ugly Atmosphere
3 Sumday Grandaddy
2 Chutes To Narrow The Shins
1 The Preacher's Son Wyclef Jean

Sideways

I watched Sideways last night, excellent movie. Great actors, I really like Paul Giamatti, he did a great job in this and in American Splendor.

In this movie he plays a Miles, a wine loving, middle school English teacher with aspirations of being a published writer. He's divorced, depressed, and having a mid-life crisis. His friend Jack, an actor who mostly does commercials now, is getting married in a week. Miles takes him on a tour of wine country as a gift, and here the trouble ensues. Over sexed Jack wants to have an affair, while Miles just wants to sit with a bottle of Pinot and be moody. Miles falls in love, Jack has his nose broken for saying he's in love. Damn it's a great movie.

Dark Skies

I ended up going to the Dark Skies campout, Saturday, with Tim, or Gray as he introduced himself to people. It was organized by the Las Vegas Community Artists Group and they actually did a good job. From what I can recall through my rum induced haze, there was about 30-35 people there. Big bonfire, but it was still fucking cold, though the rum helped that. It was a billed as "10 of the most aggressive DJs in town kick your ass for 13 hours straight, plus fire, art, and pancakes!" Vegas isn't know for great DJs, so '10 of the most aggressive' doesn't really mean much. Plus I'm not big on techno and it's derivatives so I can't say the music was that great. But they did go on for 13 hours. In fact, I went to my car and listened to Wu Tang at one point, just to clear my head a little.

I met a lot of cool people there. Both young and old. A lot of them veterans from Burning Man. They all hope that this will grow, maybe not to BM proportions, but to something a lot bigger than this time.

Here's some pics.





11.11.2004

I'd Like That With Fries

Ronald McDonald never looked better.



click here for the video, it's small.

11.05.2004

We Fucked Up



Sweet Rosario



Doesn't Anyone Care

Why isn't this a bigger deal? The Democrats are just bending over, again, and letting the right fuck them in the ass with no vaseline, for another four years. Al Gore bent over, and now Kerry bent over. Four more years baby, four more years.

Computer error at voting machine gives Bush 3,893 extra votes use bugmenot.com for registration

Associated Press

COLUMBUS, Ohio - A computer error with a voting machine cartridge gave President Bush 3,893 extra votes in a Gahanna precinct.

Franklin County's unofficial results gave Bush 4,258 votes to Democratic challenger John Kerry's 260 votes in Precinct 1B. Records show only 638 voters cast ballots in that precinct.

Matthew Damschroder, director of the Franklin County Board of Elections, said Bush received 365 votes there. The other 13 voters who cast ballots either voted for other candidates or did not vote for president.

Even More Bullshit:
Computer Loses 4,500 Votes

11.04.2004